Friday, December 25, 2009

Life List

She's my best friend in the whole wide world...
It has been said that...
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words"

That's Laura.
I don't know if everyone is so blessed to have such an amazing person in their life... but I wouldn't change a thing.
She knows me, and she believes in my dreams.
I love her...a lot.

For Christmas this year Laura gave me a book called "Dream It. List It. Do It!" I could not have received a better gift. Here's how it works...
There are 43 sections each with a goal... For example, the first 3 sections are titled.. "Understand Myself" "Learn New Things" and "Be More Adventurous" etc.. Within each of these sections are numerous "To Do Lists" that will help you accomplish the overall goal.
Pretty cool right?
According to the introduction in this book, One of the ways to achieve the items on a To Do List, is to document the journey. Another important tool is to give yourself a time limit.
In light of the new year, and this amazing book. I have decided to work my way through the book :)

To begin. I have chosen the first "to do" item in the first section.
Section: Understand Myself
To Do: Admit when I'm lying to myself
Time Limit: 2 weeks

Here goes :)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Answer Me This

It is an interesting thing...
Wanting to change your life...parts of your personality...and the assembly of fragments that compose the way you think...
I'm learning.
There are things that you can change and things that you can only learn how to deal with.
I'm a very very long way from the type of person that I want to be.
I want to change by the way I write.
I want to look around and only love what I see.
I want to be well read, educated, intelligent, and smart.
I want to create an impression that doesn't fade.
Doesn't everybody want to be remembered for something?
I want to forget. Leave behind. Put in a box all of my regrets.
I don't want to regret.
I want to do everything.
I don't ever want to wish that I would have...

I'm torn between what's realistic and responsible...and what makes me feel right.
Is there a right way?
When do you stop doing it your parents way and find your own way? Is that okay?
Do you ever stop needing their approval?

How do I change?
Will I ever find my place...my 'niche' in this world?
Do those even exist?
Why is it so hard to make decisions?
I want to change...


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

you hit the nail right on the head

"You're one confused girl...and you're one confusing girl" he said

Boy, doesn't that just say it all...

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Since I've Been Away

It's been quite awhile since I've posted... Not for lack of creative inspiration, I've just been experiencing some pretty crazy things these past few weeks. Learning, growing, thinking...Sometimes when you think life couldn't possibly become more complicated, it takes it as a challenge and definitely does.
I met someone. And this someone will be one of those people. One of those people that later in life I'll look back and mark it as a turning point. Some people judged us...some people made false assumptions... and some people were jealous...and maybe it wasn't the most right, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm not sure if whatever we are is over.. or if there's more for me to learn.
One thing someone did for me was introduce me to the John Butler Trio. I love how music finds you when you most need it. "Betterman" means something to me.
Now typical man
I am because you think
I want my cake and eat it too
Cos I say I can't be in no relationship
But I still feel for you
Cos you are the greatest woman
This old man has ever met
You taught me about my soul
You shared with me your magic
Don't want to be a thorn in your side
Good woman
Always be the one
To make you cry
Don't wanna be that guy
Good woman
Cos you deserve everything
And I got nothing so leave me
And I'll go away
Better off I stay
Far from you you you you you
Cause you are beautiful
That's my story.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

You're right..I like you too much

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive your car
I hate it when you stare
I hate your big dumb sweater
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh...
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly..
I hate the way that I don't hate you
Not even close
Not even a little bit
Not even at all
-10 Things I Hate About You-

Friday, November 6, 2009

It's Enough

This week I realized that...
I am enough.

Somewhere along the way I dropped my confidence. But this past month I retraced my steps and picked it back up again.. it was right where I left it.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Love is Issun

So.. as of late my muse has, in a way, left me to my own. I think that somehow muse might be related to romance.. maybe I can't have one without the other. In light of my situation I will merely document.


My Halloween night was highly uneventful. I went to work, came home and went to bed. That's the end of that story.


This is the most exciting part of my Halloween day however.. It goes like this:

Jess, Ana and I decided to take a trip to the Humane Society to look for a dog for Jess's boyfriend. We looked and looked and found so many wonderful dogs and puppies. We fell in love with the most amazing little golden lab as well as an adult pit bull named Princess. We called the landlord and asked ever so politely if they would mind if we got a dog. To my astonishment they acquiesed. We were half way there! Now we just needed to decided which one we wanted.

We decided to take a break from deciding and visit the kittens. We played and cuddled and oohed and ahhed.

Then

One of the shelter managers walked in carrying the tiniest kitten I've ever beheld..and said "Can some one please take this kitten?" Which actually was a kind of funny statement considering we three were the only ones present in the room.

Our concerned and questioning faces must have registed quite visibly to the woman because she went on to explain that the shelter was over capacity for kittens and that this one was going to need special attention that the shelter didn't have time (due to their over capacity numbers) to take care of.

We looked at each other... and after a second the decision was made. We'd take the little guy.

We now have a 4th member of our little family. His name is Issun. It's japanese for "little one inch" He's only 3 weeks old. Abandoned by his mother and left in a field. We have to bottle feed him every couple of hours, and clean him, and basically do everything for him because he's too little. But we love him. And I think we really did save a life. It's day number 4 with the little monster and he gets cuter every day.

I don't have my camera with me so below is a picture I found on the internet of what he pretty much looks like.

We just love him :) Even though he does need round the clock attention. :)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thank You Pandora

Due to some unfortunate circumstances I haven't been able to listen to Relient K for just over a year now.
I made a Pandora account yesterday.. based on the song Fireflies by Owl City...
Needless to say.. Relient K has been playing all day...
Thanks Pandora.. for reuniting me with a painful past..
This is how it started..
First Song: I cringed..and my ears hurt
Second Song: I tried to pretend I couldn't hear it
Third Song: I hesitantly listened to the lyrics
Fourth Song: I actually listened
Fifth Song: I began to enjoy
Now I like Relient K again..
There's still a few songs that I won't listen to
But thanks Pandora...for reuniting me with a band I really do like...I just pretended not to.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Where Might It Have Gone?

As of late.. I've experienced a lot of foreign emotions. Which is weird.. because I pretty much thought I'd felt them all.

But for the past few weeks I've been feeling tired...exhausted... of the love story.

I'm a romantic girl. I never tired of living vicariously through the beautiful love stories I saw in the movies.. smiling inwardly when I saw a couple cuddling, or holding hands, thinking about my future love, reading and talking about it. It seemed as though love, romance, and passion was the very oxygen I used to sustain my absolutely average life.

Now...

I'm tired of it.

I feel terrible sometimes for feeling this way. Almost as if I'm betraying my own nature.

I find myself avoiding romantic movies...reaching instead for action or (this is exceptionally distressing) documentaries.

I no longer smile at the couples..rather walk quickly by..ignoring their seemingly inconsiderate infatuation with each other.

Am I becoming bitter?

Please no..I'm still young.

I still find myself yearning for that someone. But I don't want to think about it, watch it, read it, or see it.

What is happening to me?

Maybe it's just a phase. After some good alone time, perhaps I will reunite with my romance.

It does feel weird to be separated from it.


Friday, October 16, 2009

Leave Unsaid Unspoken



The sound of the piano trickles over her skin like musical raindrops.
She closes her eyes.
This here is her place, no one ever has..nor will enter into it.
A place where each thought slows until it decides to make sense.
The words she hears give definition to the confusion of her heart.
Each combination of notes, each melody, harmony, chord, and progression fill every hole. All except one.
She lay. Feeling the comforting scratch of dry carpet against her delicate skin that has felt so much,
Skin she wishes she could shed for new. She listens as the music crawls in and fills up the space. She welcomes it with an open soul, greeting each discovery with relief. When she hurts, this world of music hurts to.
We cry. We laugh. We speak. We scream. We hope. We wish. We hide. We dream.
This is what keeps her head up.



This is what hurts

Cause these boys only listen to me when I sing...
And I don't feel like singing tonight all the same songs...
No right minds could wrong be this many times
Defending intentions if he fails
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
I realized that I try to romanticize everything in my life...what does that mean?
I have matching zits on either side of my forehead..I'm wondering...how does that happen?
There's something about flower shops that make me want to smile and drink tea...
Sara Bareilles is singing my heart tonight..

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Days Like These

Maybe I should have payed more attention in health class back in my freshman year of high school. I believe that I pulled a muscle. How? One might wonder.. Is it possible for a muscle to pull itself? Can you pull your muscle whilst sleeping? What about when stepping out of the bathtub? While eating? Maybe while crawling out of a bunk bed? Obviously it must be one of those.. because that's all I've done in the past 48 hours..
Also.. who knew that there was a muscle that took up a good half to three quarters of your leg. I'm out of commission for the time being.. which is alright.. because I've just been laying on the couch watching old 50's movies anyway.





Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A Land Called Paradise

So we've been discussing the Muslim religion and the social and economic situation in the Middle Eastern countries for the past couple of weeks in my Humanities class. My professor showed this youtube video in class today and I thought that others should get the chance to watch it as well.
We all just want to be understood :)
Go here

Monday, October 12, 2009

They're Killing Me Softly...


When I get the chance, I'll turn the next one away,
I won't get caught up...I'll look at him and say
"Go away please, there's no room in this inn,
I want no more battles in this war I can't win"
I didn't really just say that did I?
I did, must be losin it.
Cuz it almost felt like there might be some truth in it.
Gotta get outta here, stop playin these games
They're killing me softly, same guys...different names
-unknown
I'm tired of this love story...so tired

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

It's a List Day

So I've been having a lot of random thoughts lately...
(it's actually a fact that I only think random thoughts)

Here's some lists I've come up with.

To do someday:

  • Learn Arabic and read the Koran
  • Walk 10 miles just to see what that feels like
  • Go one week without using my cell phone and see how lonely I feel
  • Hitch hike...for real
  • Go surfing in Australia (and not care how many sharks there are)
  • Own 500 movies that I love

All the Degrees I want to get:

  • Biology - so I can become a vet
  • English Literature - so I can be a librarian
  • French - so I can be an interpreter in the U.S embassy in France
  • Theatre Arts - so I can be an actress
  • Piano Performance - so I can be a concert pianist
  • Psychology - so I can be a psychologist

All the pets I want to have someday:

  • Horses
  • Dogs
  • Cats
  • A bird or two
  • A rabbit or two
  • I wouldn't mind having a rat..only a cute one though.. His name will be Gus Gus in honor of Cinderella
  • Maybe a dairy cow.. just for fun..and maybe for milk
  • Chickens..fresh eggs are the best

So.. keep in mind..all of these thoughts happened either:

  • In the middle of class
  • Right before I fell asleep
  • One of those times when you wake up randomly in the night
  • While eating
  • While watching tv
  • While walking to class
  • When I was driving

That's all :)

Monday, September 28, 2009

It's 11:11...Make a wish



I've been wishing on every star,
over every bridge,
on each lucky number,
each time I see a dandelion,
and every night before I go to bed...

I've been wishing so hard...for you.



There's something you have that reminds me so accurately of my past...it aches when I wish for you.
Funny how.. there's someone in this world that is wishing with all their might.. and you can't feel it.
If I want something bad enough.. can I make it happen with just my will power alone?
If I stop to count the reasons why...I can't think of very many.
Wishing and dreams are all my mind uses these days.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Cus This Hurts

I feel like my walls are crumbling.

If only you knew how hard I work every single day to keep each brick in place.

I'm frantic.

This feeling is called panic.

And the worst part...

I'm tearing it down myself.

Though every part tells me to let it fall

I know it'll hurt.

It hurts now, and it hasn't even begun.

Distance and Distraction.

That's what I need.

Close the part that feels and forget.

Play the game.

Defense and Protection.

Rebuild the walls.

The only thing left.


Monday, September 21, 2009

Daydreams

She walked down the aisle looking for just the right spot, her body on autopilot, her mind a mess. She slid the old worn cover into it's place, snuggled up on either side by other well-loved books. Just another day at work. The old book store has been around for as long as anyone can remember. The musty smell is comforting. The secluded corners filled with overstuffed armchairs are perfect for becoming invisible in. This is her heaven.
She begins to lose herself, but her work continues. Lost in her own thoughts, wading through the thickness, trying to make her way to higher ground where she can observe the thoughts converse, instead of being caught in between the collisions. But she can't find her way out. A few thoughts seem intent on pushing themselves forward. The ones about him. Of course.
Another book, another slot, another page, another thought.
What will it take? How much longer must she wait? When is the right time? Patience.
I'm ready now, she thinks. She looks at the door, imagining his beautiful eyes searching her out as he walks in. Finding her, he smiles, walks over and grabs her hand. "I'm ready now to" he says. "And I want you". And right there in between the books, she shoves all her thoughts aside and they kiss.
Finally. Her time has come, her number has been called, it's her turn.
She smiles and closes her eyes. She can feel his hand in her hair, the other on the side of her face. His hands are so perfect. So perfect. The smell of him isn't like anything else. It's boy smell. Adventure, strength, desire, comfortable, safe. Can you die from happiness? Even if you can't, she would be okay dying right now, this happy. So happy.
She opens her eyes. There is no beautiful boy standing in front of her. There are no hands. No one else heard his voice. She looks towards the door, and the street is empty. Her cruel mind. Thoughts playing tricks again, making her believe that much happiness exists at one time. She sighs and puts the last book in it's place.
Just like this place, just like these books, her life is make-believe. Her daydreams her only companion.
Please. Just please.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I've Gotta Feeling...That Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night

What makes a day fantastic? I don't exactly know.. but the past two days have been so incredibly fantastic that it has reestablished my faith that these kinds of days do exist...even when you're single :).

These happy days have been unexpected and no one thing has made them great. They're just good. Come to think of it.. this past weekend was splendid. This upcoming weekend is going to be superb. This is what we wait for. The bad days pass and an exceptional week comes along.

I still have school. I still have homework. And I still have to work. None of my responsibilities have diminished, nothing has changed. Maybe it's my attitude that's made them great. But my attitude hasn't changed either. Oh well...whatever it is..I'll take it :D

Things that made my weekend and the past two days fantastic:
  • I made a fort, like the kind of fort you made when you were a kid..the one where you just grabbed a bunch of stuff and some kitchen chairs and imagined the rest. I made it with 2 of the most wonderful people. The kind of people where the world seems a little bit better because you're hanging out with them, and you wish you'd known them your whole life because they're that great. We also roasted marshmallows in our fort over a pile of tea lights while we watched Moulin Rouge. It was a great night.
  • I went to church and was inspired. It was one of those church days where it was just meant for you, everything everyone said was so perfect and tailored to my exact thoughts.
  • I went to work and everyone was happy to see me. It's amazing what a "hey brittany! I'm so glad you're working today" can do for a person. Especially when you just worked with those exact people two nights ago.
  • I went back to work after class with my room mate and ordered all the desserts on the menu..and ate them all. Plus we flirted with all the male servers...and the best part was...they flirted back.
  • I went to see if I made it into the play that I auditioned for, and I did which would have made me happy enough but while I was checking I ran into atleast 5 people that I love. And we talked in the hallway, and made jokes and laughed and gave hugs, and talked about hanging out more often.
  • Then...spur of the moment I went to eat with this guy. Who just happens to be attractive. I don't even care if he never likes me like that.. he's just the greatest guy. Good personality, funny, same interests.. yeah he's one of those guys.
  • Well then..when we were eating his brother showed up.. and his brother is also one of those guys. Funny, attractive, slightly touchy feely (which I actually love) and just an all around awesome guy.
  • So we ate. And talked. And laughed. Then they gave me a ride back to school. And this next part is going to make me sound slightly full of myself and a lot ridiculous...they rolled down their windows (in their pretty sweet looking car by the way) and turned the music up really loud...which for some reason always makes me feel cooler. The song was "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas. Such a good song to roll the windows down to. So they drove me to the turnaround by the student center..and it just so happened that the bus was going to pick up soon, so there was a lot of people waiting to get picked up. So there I was getting out of a cool car that carried me with two attractive boys and some dang good music blasting out the stereo. And as I got out and walked away.. they hung out the window and said "See ya tonight at 8!" ... and everyone saw. Okay.. there's my moment.. I'm done gloating.
  • Last but not least.. I really do get to hang out with these guys again at 8.

It's been a good week so far. :D

Monday, September 14, 2009

Thunder, Rain, and Chocolate Almond Amore

Today has been exceptional.
Someone called me 'babe'...I love that
It is pouring down rain...there really isn't anything better
I'm curled up in a blanket, listening to all my favorite music and the soothing hum of falling rain, sipping on a chocolate almond amore.
This day is beautiful.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Paper Bags and Plastic Hearts

If I had to choose one album to describe all of high school it would be the self-titled album Boys Like Girls. I can recall the exact moment we were introduced. It was in the red rocket, driving to lunch. The indie rock/alternative band blared through the fuzzy speakers. It was like I discovered music for the first time. The song Up Against the Wall spoke of lost love, the hurt, sorrow, and confusion of heart ache. All things that my young innocent heart knew absolutely nothing of. But I loved it. I used to listen to the song over and over and pretend like I knew what that felt like. Ironically, as I listen to this song today...I know. "Who said that it's better to have loved and lost, I wish that I had never loved at all."
Boys Like Girls and their song The Great Escape was there when my first real crush whispered that he liked me...he really liked me. I didn't have to imagine anymore. I'd never felt like I could fly before and that there wasn't anything in this world that I couldn't do..as long as he was there.
Five Minutes to Midnight was the song we sang at the top of our lungs when we were skipping church on Wednesdays. Being teenagers, talking about life and everything we hoped it would hold for us. It was there when he'd rush me home to make curfew, dreaming about the day when we'd drive right out of our little town and start our own life.
On Top of the World and Thunder were the songs I listened to in my car after spending the day with him... sitting in my driveway procrastinating going inside, not wanting the night to end. Lights out, windows beginning to fog as I sang those words to the steering wheel, windshield and old fabric seats. These songs were the songs of my heart.
Boys Like Girls was my first band t-shirt. He bought it for me when he went to their concert. The first t-shirt any boy had bought me. I wore it religiously.. it meant something.
Every song has some memory attached. It's the soundtrack of my high school career. When it all ended I couldn't listen to Boys Like Girls anymore. They still spoke the truth..but I didn't want to hear the truth. Up Against the Wall made me cry.. Great Escape made me want to scream until he had no voice to play me and I had no voice to answer.
Boys Like Girls and I have reunited. They are fond memories now. I wouldn't trade high school for anything..but I'd never go back. I don't regret him..I don't even think of him every day anymore..in fact I've tried so hard to erase him that I can't remember what his voice sounds like anymore, or how his hand feels in mine, any of our inside jokes, his favorite foods or movies, or what his handwriting looked like. The exact color of his eyes, the face he made when he was concentrating, his laugh, how his breath smelt, how I felt when he kissed me, what his room looked like, and when he'd hold me and say I love you..those things I'll never forget. I can't. I've tried. Do I miss him? No. I miss the idea of him.
Every song meant something, and has some memory attached. It's the soundtrack of my high school career.
P.S. Laura, you will never know how much you mean to me. You are the only one who really knows. Thanks for being there through everything.
I rememered something today.. something that either made my heart stop or beat faster.. I couldn't tell which. I guess those little harsh memories pop up every once in awhile. To remind you not to make the same mistake twice.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

You Might Want To Know

I think too much, and I overanalyze
I can't say things I want to
Sometimes I cry for no apparent reason
I need to watch movies alone every once in awhile
There are times when I want everything that is wrong for me
I love animals
I will get defensive if you say anything bad about any movies that Johnny Depp has been or will be in.
95% of my life is spent in sweats and a t-shirt
I need to be listened to.. even if I'm repeating myself
My food can't touch
I'm moody..
I hate feeling left out
Please text me back
I get grumpy when I'm tired
I compare myself to others more than I should
Sometimes I don't shave...for a long time
I was all in the moment we started...

She handed him the folded piece of paper, let out her breath, and looked him steadily in the eye. His confused expression made her want to smile cry. She put a small hand to his face and then walked away.
"He needs to know" she thought to herself. "He needs to know right now...before this goes any further, because if he finds out later.. and decides I'm not what he thought.. I'll never be able to let go. But if he knows now, maybe it will hurt less"
She had given him his ticket out, signed with her own signature. Now she just had to wait and see if he used it. Wait to see if he still loved her, wait to see if she was going to have to talk her way out of loving him, wait to see if this time would be different.
This girl.. is waiting.

Love Is a Mix Tape


I AM MADE OF BLUE SKY AND HARD ROCK AND I WILL LIVE THIS WAY FOREVER.

Kreativ Blogger


My soul sister Laura of start something new has nominated me for the Kreativ Blogger award! Laura pretty much rocks and I wouldn't want to live this life without her :) Check out her blog because it's just plain amazing.

According to the rules, I must:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

Here's my 7 things:

1. I make lists of everything. Here's a list of some of my lists.
To do, Goals, Groceries, Places to go, Names I like, Things to do before I die, Music to get, Music to listen to again, Food I like, Faults, Things to work on, Projects to start, Projects to finish, If I had money things I'd spend it on, All the dogs I want, Places I'd like to live someday, Languages I want to speak, etc...etc..

2. If I walk into a bookstore, I rarely ever walk out without spending at least $30.oo. And if I see or hear about a book sale, no matter the books that are being sold I always buy more than I can carry home without help.

3. Sometimes I pretend my life is a movie, and I act as though I have an audience.

4. The one thing in this whole world that can make me more frustrated and allow me to burst into tears faster than anything else... is technology.

5. Music saves me every day.

6. Sometimes I like to sit in a dim, empty room and listen to the clock tick.

7. I love to drive. Anywhere, anytime.

And now I nominate...

(this is actually tough because I don't really know any of the people whose blogs I follow...so I may fall short of the required number)

Anna Allen and her Apache Adoption Agency
Jennifer and Flavors of the Umpqua (never fails to remind me of my beautiful Oregon)
Eden and The Beginning of Blue January (I know this is so cheating...)

Really..I could only come up with 4... I need to find some more blogs to follow..I'll get right on that.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I'm not even that busy

Life kidnapped me and is running away this week.
My brain is moving so much faster than the rest of my body.
I'm such a 'why' person.. I just need to know.
Sometimes I feel like my heart and mind are fighting...not just like a little tug-o-war, or a scrimmage where really they're on the same side it's just practice.. not even a battle.. a full fledged war with lots at stake.
I know that you can only think of one thing at a time.. but it's pretty amazing how quickly you can think of each of those things.
Sleep is a cure-all...so is water
Remember that war that's going on..? I think that wherever desire comes from is also involved.
Attraction is so bittersweet..

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I'm Not..

I'm not the kind of girl that never regrets what she's done..
I don't always say what I mean...and sometimes I say the exact opposite of how I feel.
I'm not the kind of girl that stays up late and parties...
I'd rather stay at home, order take out, and watch a movie.
I'm not the kind of girl that remembers the important things...
Sometimes I forget.. not on purpose.. but I promise never to forget to love you
I'm not the kind of girl that does one-night stands...I don't think
I like life a little messy... as long as you're there to help me clean it up
I'm just an artist...I'm not misunderstood or overlooked...but doesn't pain create the most beautiful things?
I hurt...all the time...but it's mostly a very dull ache in the furthest back corner of my heart...it will go away someday...I think
I always think...my brain doesn't turn off.
I'm the kind of girl that dreams
Sometimes I'm afraid...of everything
Sometimes I don't feel fear
I'm composed of maybe's, when I'm in the right moods, and sometimes'.
I'm not the kind of girl that's consisent... but I'm stable.
I may not be the kind of girl that's right...but I want to be your kind of girl, and only your kind.
Maybe that's why you're so hard to find.
I cant be any different than I am..I can't even pretend..if I try my mouth opens and tells the truth.
I'm a good liar. I'm an actress. I like to put on a show. But you'll always know. Someday..or maybe the first day.. you'll be able to look at my eyes and know.
I'm not that kind of girl. I just thought you should know.


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Rain

Her alarm rings and she sighs.. she doesn't want to open these tired eyes of hers
She's not ready for the world. In the night her dreams wrap around her and protect her from uncomfortable reality. Life. She's comfortable.
She gets out of bed and stumble walks to the bathroom where she strips off her clothes, avoids the mirror, and steps into the shower. It's like rain, pelting rain.
She smears on the makeup that she's supposed to wear. The kind that makes her eyes look bigger, more beautiful. They're just average without the world.
The shadow, the crease, the bone, the curve, the color.
Her hair is growing and straight, she pulls it back. Pushes and shoves, twists and pokes until it's all hidden beneath the hairband. Perfectly hidden.
She doesn't eat, the food doesn't satisfy her clothing. She's tired of her unhappy clothes.
She's finished. One hour. She's ready.
The forgotten girl steps outside to conquer the forgetting world. It's raining.
Blue, grey, soft, damp, cool.
She stands in the empty space as the rain fixes everything that's wrong.
She's dreaming in real life. Head tilted slightly back, arms dangling. The rain touches her face and wipes away each color and line. It drips down her face, melts until her skin is smooth, bare, white. Her eyes are closed, beautiful.
The rain strokes her hair, pulls it, strands fall and hang until her hair is free. Not hiding. Hanging unashamed, happy raindrops leaving the ends.
This fulfills her. Finishes. Completes. She is herself, it won't let her be anything else.
This rain is hers.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

All the things I'd say

I just want you to know..

I've had the wind knocked out of me but never the hurricane
I wish slitting the wrist of the clock would let this moment last forever
I just want to be okay
When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape
You've touched these tired eyes of mine
You deserve a smile with no regret
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen
I'm scared
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I survive on the breath you're finished with
I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I don't fit in that much
I'm yours.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Today

I'm on a Jeffrey McDaniel kick right now.. I bought his book "the forgiveness parade" a while ago and each time I pick it up I realize how much I love it :) He definitely has a way with words.. and I'm feeling poetic today and yesterday and the day before... and probably for awhile in the future. All of these lines from his book.. describe how I feel today.

I held tantrums in my pocket a long time before I actually threw them.
I was born with dynamite in my chest.
I know these buttons don't conrol anything but I push them anyway and pretend.
I know it's stupid to not own a gun yet have so many triggers.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Here We Go Again

It's happening again. And I hate it.Why did this have to be my particularly strong weakness?
Will I ever overcome this substanstial hurdle or am I doomed to fail every time?
"There's a field where I grow only bruises, inner gnawing, and heartache."
-Jeffrey McDaniel
"Consequence was a planet whose orbit we couldn't respect"
-Jeffrey McDaniel

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Always Learning

So.. I learned something new last night..
Well.. it wasn't so much that I learned it for the first time.. mostly I just realized it..
When you work in the food business.. for example a restaurant.
Don't fall in love with any of of the waiters..
They're paid to be charming

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Doubt

Sometimes I stress about.. what to post on my blog. I want something insightful, fun, interesting..etc. But.. I'm beginning to realize that this blog is more for me than it is for anyone else. It's a way for me to say what I think.. a creative outlet. Tonight I feel.. kind of like this monologue from the famous play and now movie Doubt by John Patrick Shanley.
What do you do when you're not sure? That's the topic of my sermon today.
Last year, when President Kennedy was assasinated, who among us did not experience the most profound disorientation. Despair?
Which way? What now?
What do I say to my kids? What do I tell myself? It was a time of people sitting together, bound together by a common feeling of hopelessness.
But think of that! You're BOND with your fellow being was your Despair.
It was a public experience. It was awful but we were in it together.
How much worse is it then for the lone man, the lone woman stricken by a private calamity?
No one knows I'm sick
No one knows I've lost my last real friend
No one knows I've done something wrong. Imagine the isolation. Now you see the world as through a window. On one side of the glass: happy untroubled people, and on the other side: you.
I want to tell you a story
A cargo ship sank one night. It caught fire and went down. And only this one sailor survived. He found a lifeboat, rigged a sail...and being of a nautical discipline...turned his eyes to the Heavens and read the stars. He set a course towards home and exhausted fell asleep. Clouds rolled in. And for the next twenty nights, he could no longer see the stars. He thought he was on course, but there was no way to be certain. And as the days rolled on, and the sailor wasted away, he began to have doubts. Had he set his course right? Was he still going on towards his home? Or was he horribly lost and doomed to a terrible death? No way to know. The message of the constellations - had he imagined it because of his desperate circumstance? Or had he seen truth once and now had to hold on to it without further reassurance?
There are those of you in church today who know exactly the crisis of faith I describe. And I want to say to you. Doubt can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost. You are not alone.
We all have doubts in our lives. Something I have to remind myself of often is the saying:
"It'll all work out in the end, and if it doesn't work out, it's not the end"

Friday, July 24, 2009

they don't have anywhere else to go

Thoughts that bounce around.. they need to come out. But where would I put them? They're not exactly like call-a-friend worthy but they're too long for a status on facebook. So they come here.
Man am I grateful for extremely attractive men at work
Why are all the extremely attractive men impossible to have?
Why does that always happen?
Men who are bad for me are attracted to me..
I'm attracted to men who are bad for me.
Why?
I'm exhausted.. more exhausted then I've been in a long long long time
5 nights of unwanted sleep deprivation.. that'll do it
Why are her flowers dying.. I water them.. but they look worse every day
That cat seriously never stops meowing, what does it want??
I might be terrible for leading guys on.. on purpose
I am terrible for leading guys on..on purpose
Players.. I'm okay if they're around and..
unfortunately.. I'm semi-okay with them playing me
I won't get attached...right? so right
Sometimes I miss high school even though I promised myself I wouldn't
I like to feel like I'm good at flirting
Man does he have a good smile.. and why did he have to touch my arm?
Player
I have to keep reminding myself :)
I'm terrible..
I'm still waiting for the day when I snap my fingers and look exactly how I want to look
I work with them both tomorrow! Yes!
...I miss my family and friends

Monday, July 20, 2009

I Love French Actors

L'amour Dangereux





I just picked up an independent foreign film and popped it in the dvd player
I had no expectations of what the movie was about or what it would be like.
And.. honestly.. it wasn't that great.
There were some parts...if you know what I mean
And.. if I don't speak or understand the language does it matter how many F bombs were dropped?...confession the English subtitles were on.
Anyway
The two leads in this film.. I fell in love with them both.
Jennifer Decker
Nicolas Cazale
Both French actors..
It definitely helps that I love the french language so everytime they spoke I was completely enthralled..
I'd really like to see them in some other films.. I think it's pretty cool that there's like this whole other world filled with actors and actresses that we've never even heard of.
I've gotta watch more foreign films.








So.. Sometimes Your Computer Gets A Virus..


So.. Sometimes your computer gets a virus... and you lose everything. Everything. We're talking full blown no pictures no itunes no essays no lyrics no resume no backgrounds no "don't forget" notes no list of books to read no favorites pages saved on the internet no recipes no things I wish I would have said factory condition computer meltdown.

And sometimes that virus is the last straw

So.. You feel bummed and disappointed and "why me" and "how could this happen" and I can't handle this and angry and frustrated and at times even irate and indescribably sad and eventually that all turns into.. I feel glad that I get to start over and it's a really good thing that the stupid file I hated that belonged to that stupid boy I could never hate that for some reason I could never get rid of is gone. Maybe it was a sign, or some sort of blessing from the universe.




But it's still kind of the last straw




So.. Now I feel like my life is pretty unorganized because for whatever reason that laptop made my life feel somewhat put together. And I'm picking up the pieces and reinstalling the software and maybe this time I won't let my laptop get filled with things that are extra, unneccesary, background noise, irritating, and slow my computer down. Maybe I can turn it into an analogy for my life.


Live simply

You can always start over

Remember what's really important

It'll all work out in the end, and if it doesn't, it's not the end.









Sunday, July 12, 2009

Cesar Millan.. The Dog Whisperer


Okay.. it might be a tiny obsession. But I absolutely love watching Cesar Millan The Dog Whisperer. He's amazing to watch. He gives new insight on dog training, which I find pretty interesting. I consider myself an animal person and I love learning about animal psychology, and that's what Cesar does. He teaches me about dog psychology, and I think it's pretty cool.

Friday, July 3, 2009

There's No Place Like Home..

My family picked me up at the airport yesterday and it was like the happiness just melted into all the corners of my soul. It's such a comfortable feeling. These people absolutely love me no matter what. It didn't matter that I had missed my bus at 4:30 in the morning because I woke up late, so I looked like I just came out from underneath a bridge.
They were so happy to see me they didn't even notice that I smelled bad, I've gained 10 pounds since the last time they saw me and I was still wearing yesterdays makeup. :)
We left from the airport to go on vacation. It has been so nice, to relax and love and be loved by the people you care about the most. We've laughed our heads off, argued a little bit, and done a lot of incredibly fun things together already.. I love my family, with all my heart. Wherever my family is, is where my home is, and there's no place like it.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

She Did It


It got me thinking, that show I woke up to. It's called 16 and Pregnant. What started out as sleepy nonchalance soon turned into avid interest. This young girl's life. Not in school. Doctor's appointments. Fights with her mother. Baby Showers. Giving birth at 17 years old. A world completely apart from own. But not so different from my moms.
She did it. She became an adult at 16 years old. The at-home studying to graduate high school. The doctor's appointments. The fights with her parents. Being at home alone, anticipating. The birth. My life.
My Mom.. is amazing. Watching this show made me realize how much my Mom sacrificed so that I could have the best life she could give me. I have massive amounts of respect for her. More than I could ever say. I love you.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

And We Will..

I will:
Laugh at your jokes
Be proud of you
Always stay faithful
Love you
You will:
Kiss me when you come home from work
Kill spiders
Open tight jars
Reach the shelves I can't
And we will..
Promise to always work it out
Love eachother forever
Still hold hands when we're 92
And live happily ever after
All I ask, is that you love me in spite of all my bad habits, that you still want to be with me even when it's tough, and that you'll always be proud of our life together.. I'll wait

Friday, June 26, 2009

I Love These!

I'm such a sucker for things like this :D

What is you're current obsession?

My current obsession is probably...movies and tv shows. I've been unemployed for the past couple of weeks waiting for my new job to start and so I've been watching a lot of movies. I'm making my way through the seasons of Friends, and my recent movies have included, White Oleander, Vanity Fair, Australia, The Holiday, The Guardian, Princess Bride, Transformers, and PS I Love You to name just a few.

Coffee or Tea?

I'd have to say hot cocoa, but I'm definitely a fan of herbal tea. Peach and Apple Cranberry are my favorite teas.

What's for Dinner?

Hmm..recently dinner has mostly consisted of cereal. But I also eat massive amounts of potatoes.

What was the last thing you bought?

The last thing I bought was a movie actually, I bought Bourne Identity.

What are you listening to right now?

I'm listening to Before It's Too Late by the Goo Goo Dolls. Such a good song.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Probably Ol South Fudge Pie from Umpqua Dairy..

What is your favorite color?

My default favorite color is blue. I have tons of blue things, but I also like red and gold.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe?

At this point, considering that I don't do anything all day, it's probably my room mates sweats. They're hecka comfortable. But when I'm being more productive it's probably..hmm I still don't know.

What is your dream job?

An actress
An amazing artist (painting, scultpting, etc)
An author
A mother

How many times do you press the snooze button before you get up?

I haven't actually set an alarm for close to a month because I don't do anything, ever. But when I do set an alarm it usually depends on late I stayed up. But anywhere from 1 to 4 times. As an average though probably about 2.


I would tag some people.. but I don't actually know anyone who reads my blog who would do this on their blogs. So :)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Transformers 2!!!


okay.. so I just went and saw Transformers 2 and it reaffirmed my love for Shia Labeauf.. I highly recommend it. It's pretty darn intense. One of my new favorite movies.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

For Forever..

So pretty much my whole life I've wanted to be an actress. As a young child I would watch movies over and over focusing on one character that I found intriguing and then try and act like them for the rest of the day. As I grew older I used to pretend that just my ever day life was being filmed and I was the lead. So I guess you could say I'm always acting. There is something incredibly intriguing to me about becoming someone else. I don't know if I'm ever going to be an actress. But if I could have one wish granted to me, it would be to perform. I don't just want to be famous, because that's a hard life. But I want to play those characters, all of them.

Another thing that I do, that might be a little bit crazy, but I like to research actors and actresses and see who they really are, behind their celebrity standing. I like to know how they view acting, and how they go about becoming a better actor. So the actor that I've most recently been looking at is Shia Labeauf. I first saw Shia in Even Stevens on the Disney Channel, and I loved his seemingly effortless confident humor. As he's grown I've seen this in all of his movies. He has excellent comedic timing. And to me, he's real. He could be just another guy.

Anyway.. those are my thoughts. I want to act. I want to be somebody else for awhile.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

My Dad


At this point my dad is the most important man in my life. I love him more than anything. I can't remember a single time in my life where my dad wasn't there for me when I needed him. He's not only my dad, he's one of the most amazing men I've ever had the chance to know. The circumstances under which I was born put an incredible amount of pressure on my young father, and no one would have been surprised if he had fallen and gone the way most teenage fathers go. But he didn't. My dad worked incredibly hard, and pulled through to be the best dad a girl could ever want.
Reasons why I love my dad:
  • He's interested in my life, he really cares about me: My favorite thing is how my dad will call from work just to ask how I'm doing and to tell me he misses me.
  • He gives the best hugs: I feel incredibly loved and safe when my dad pulls me into a hug. I never feel too old to cuddle up to my dad.
  • He always has good advice: It doesn't seem to matter what my problem is my dad always knows the answer.
  • He's proud of me: Even though I'm not exactly where I'd hoped to be at this time in my life, I know my dad is always proud of me. He believes in me, and he never seems to have any doubt about the things I can accomplish.
  • He's always there: From spending hours with me and my brother out with our sheep, not to mention an entire day at lamb show, to coming to every single one of my piano recitals my dad is always there. He'd never miss it, no matter what. He's always willing to drop whatever and help with homework or talk.

Basically my dad is the best. It's been said that the first man a girl falls in love with is her dad, and that is definitely true for me. Someday when I grow up, I want to marry a man just like my dad.

Happy Father's Day!!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Week of Bands

I have a lot of new music to share.


Carolina Liar


So the lead singer of this band is from South Carolina. The other band members excluding one are mostly from Sweden. Their music has so much feeling in it. They mean what they say.

My favorites:

I'm Not Over: I absolutely love the lead singers voice. This is also a really catchy tune. I just love it.

Coming to Terms: I feel like this song has so much emotion behind it. They sing about real stuff. And again.. I love his voice.

Check out all their stuff though, cus it's all stinkin good.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Straight from Dublin

The Script


One of my new favorite bands..
It's called The Script.. an irish trio from Dublin.
My two favorite songs:
Breakeven: it always gives me a feeling of liberating melancholy when I hear a song that describes absolutely perfectly how I felt.. this song is perfect. I couldn't have said it better myself.
The Man Who Can't Be Moved: this is such a good song..it's not adorable or cute really.. but those are the only words I can think of to describe this song. It's something else..

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Food Fantasies

So.. I have some dreams when it comes to food. Someday I want to be an incredible chef.





I want to open my own gourmet restaurant and serve high quality food to people who appreciate it. To me, there is something magical about an elegantly decorated restaurant filled with nicely dressed people enjoying exceptional food. I want that someday.


I want to open a small local bakery in Italy. With early mornings, watching the sun rise along with my handmade bread. Where the 'regulars' aren't just my customers but my friends.


I want to open a pastry shop. With small bite size pieces of heaven that melt in your mouth and make the world seem like such a better place. The smell of chocolate and frosting and fresh berries lingering long after the taste has disappeared.
How will I ever choose? Will I ever achieve any of my food dreams?
I love it. Food. Happiness.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I realize it's past New Years





















So I was sitting in church today.. after sacrament.. after everyone had left the chapel.. and I was reading this month's Ensign. And can I just tell you that those magazines are pretty much little personal revelations all tied up with a pretty little bow and delivered straight to your door.. because as I was reading I realized that each article was an answer to something that I had been praying for, even if I didn't realize that's what I'd been praying for.. does that make sense?

So I decided to make some middle of the year resolutions. To kind of 'turn over a new leaf' and recommit to some things.. and try to develop some new habits. So here it is.. the things I'm going to try and accomplish.. not just for this year but hopefully forever.
  • Be cleaner - I need to keep my spaces clean and think.. what if Jesus were to walk into my room right now, would I be embarassed? Or what if I were to see the prophet today, would I be embarassed about how I looked or dressed, or the fact that I haven't showered in a week? I need to be cleaner.



  • Filter my thoughts more - I need to focus on thinking positively about myself especially and others. Forward thinking results in forward actions.



  • Be more frugal - granted I am already pretty frugal but that's mostly forced frugality because of my lack of income. But I do need to work on taking better care of my things so they last longer, and not making rash decisions when it comes to spending. Gordon B. Hinckley said "Fix it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without" A motto to live by.



  • Become more cultured - there are plenty of rough, edgy, 'cool' girls out there that I don't really need to try to be one. I do realize that I'm naturally not any of those things but at times in my life I've kind of wanted to be that totally tough girl. I decided today that those things are not what I want to be anymore. I need to focus on becoming more refined, becoming more kind and gentle, educated and thoughtful. There aren't enough women out there like that, and that's what I want to be.



  • Remember - the most important word in the dictionary according to my beloved seminary teacher Brother Saunders. It's easy to forget why I'm here, where my goals should be, and what I should be doing to reach those goals. But I'm going to recommit to remembering. Everything I have is given to me, the Lord doesn't owe me anything, I am loved, and there is always someone there for me that knows the bigger picture, I need to have more faith, hope, and charity. Remember more



So.. those are my middle of the year resolutions. One little step at a time hopefully someday I'll be able to accomplish all of these things and become a better person.




Friday, June 12, 2009

Things I only realized I was grateful for when i moved away from home

Okay.. so I'm currently jobless and as a result I've had lots and lots of extra thinking time. So I decided to make a list of all the things that I'm really thankful for that I didn't realize until after I'd moved away from home.. and here it is:
I'm grateful that:

My mom taught me how to really clean
My dad taught me the importance of good old fashioned hard work
I took the time to learn how to cook
My parents never forced me to eat my vegetables..or anything really
My mom made sure I had some social skills
I had my own room in high school
My mom and I argued a lot when I lived at home.. it's given us a really healthy respect for each other
and.. I'm really grateful that I wasn't completely spoiled growing up

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Be Yourself by Audioslave

So I was thinking today... what does it mean to love yourself?
What does that feel like? Is it that feeling you get when you put on a new outfit and you're pretty darn sure you look way better than normal? Or is it recognizing that you have way too many quirks and faults and then realizing that you're okay with it? Maybe it's just not hating yourself..
Sometimes I feel like a tourist in my own mind, wandering around with my little fanny pack and sunglasses looking excitedly at everything and taking little snapshots of the most random thoughts and ideas that are bouncing around. Other times I feel like an 85 year old who's spent the last 50 years in the same libary.. knowing exactly where everything is and what's inside each little nook and cranny..
I've heard it countless times.. how can you love someone else when you don't love yourself? In a way it makes sense.. how can I feel comfortable with someone else when I don't even feel comfortable in my own body.. but then again it's so easy to love someone who's everything you don't think you are... right? I don't know.. I'm trying to love myself.. but I'm not exactly sure how because I'm not exactly sure how that feels.. I'm confident.. independent.. I don't really care what other people think about me(atleast not all the time).. I don't hate myself(atleast not all the time).
Maybe it's one of those things that you know it when it happens to you..
Check out Be Yourself by Audioslave...
"And even when you've paid enough, been pulled apart or been held up
With every single memory of the good or bad faces of luck
don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright"

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

There is something about..

There's something about:
thunderstorms, that makes me feel like I'm on the edge of an adventure
rearranging the furniture, that makes me feel like I've moved into a new place
laughing, that makes me want to find everything funny
sweatpants, that makes me wish I was more athletic
crying, that makes me feel like an ant that should be digging a hole in the dirt
surfing the internet, that makes me feel slightly hopeless
seth cohen on the OC, that gives me faith in truly humorous men
riding a bike, that makes me feel simultaneously 8 years old and incredibly adult
job interviews, that make me feel like I'm in the real world
Best friends, that make me want to be a better person
reading a book, that takes me to another world that no matter the problems always seems better than the one I'm living in.
the wind rushing through the leaves, that makes me want to write poetry
turtles in an aquarium, that makes me young, innocent, and unrealistically happy about the small things.
raw music, that makes me feel part of everything

There's something about this life I'm living, so outrageously ordinary, yet in it's own way the life I've always wanted to live. It's everything I expected except harder. Moments ago so full of hope.. now just swimming upstream against a current that is so much stronger than I am. But everyone has to make the journey.. I guess I just have to get some upper body muscles to claw my way through. I never say what I mean. 


Friday, June 5, 2009

"They'll say our love brought down a kingdom"

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Yesterday I went to a Renaissance Fair.. went through squire training and became knighted for saving the princess..
Ate a tv dinner
And annihilated an entire bag of Garden Salsa Sun Chips.. by.my.self.

I also watched Yes Man.. maybe I should try and say "yes" more often.. :)

Thursday, May 28, 2009

...I taught him how to make killer mac and cheese... and he taught me how to see if the noodles were done..

Ouch.. it happened again

So I dreamt about a boy last night, a boy that I love.. And in this dream the impossible happened, and when I woke up and realized it was impossible, it hurt. I feel like somebody out there in this universe.. likes to lull me into a false sense of strength and independence and then in the space of one night pull me back down into uncertainty and sadness.. slightly dramatic.. but the basic point is the same.

I've done everything I can to let this kid go.. I've eaten countless gallons of ice cream and cookie dough, watched hundreds of chick flicks, cried until I couldn't remember what I was crying about, moved out of the state, started a new life, made new friends, liked other boys, made out with other boys, developed new hobbies, thrown myself into working, written songs, "given it time", exercised, reconnected with religion, stopped talking to that boy, and that's just about everything I can think of to do.. yet one simple dream last night.. such a realistic dream.. tore the scab right off that wound and it started bleeding again.

Luckily I think it's basically healed.. so the bleeding will stop pretty immediately.. but here's the kind of sad part. I'm a dreamer, sometimes I think real life is like the movies.. but it's not. My ending with this boy isn't a fairy tale ending. He doesn't realize one day that the person he's wanted all along is me.. he doesn't come running to me and say "I've always loved you".. nope.. it's just me.. I'm the only one who will have that feeling. He's so over me.. over a year over me.. so what I am still doing hanging out in this place?

What's it going to take? How many times can I ask myself that question?.. I don't know what else to do.. any ideas?

"she laid her heart and soul right in your hands, and you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.. she never even knew she had a choice.. stupid boy"

But I'm mostly fine :).. just had a lot to get off my chest after my beautiful nightmare last night..

Monday, May 25, 2009

Memorial Day Means Remembering

Uh.. so I guess Memorial Day is actually code for remembering exactly how your mother taught you to clean everything...
Today is a cleaning day.. Which I like sometimes. I guess holidays are perfect for doing all that stuff you put off doing in between them.. atleast that's kind of how it's been for me the last couple of holidays.. namely.. Valentines Day, Mother's Day, my birthday(okay doesn't really count as a holiday but.. you know), and most recently Memorial Day.
So I'm trying to decide if I'm bitter about it.. or if I actually do enjoy it.
Pros and Cons:
pro:It's nice to have a day to catch up on everything
con:It kinda sucks not having too many friends around to hang out with
pro: A quiet house is relaxing
con: A quiet house is lonely
pro: You can do whatever you want..
con: You're supposed to be celebrating something.. but you're kind of not
Okay.. just a little bit of a vent session.. I guess it's a good thing.. I don't have to celebrate every holiday in a fantastic way to enjoy the day.. It is nice to catch up on everything... I can do whatever I want..
But I miss my family..
Growing up isn't as cool as the movies make it.. but sometimes it is
Okay.. the bathroom is calling.. back to loud music and talking to myself so I can hear how my thoughts sound out loud..
Happy Memorial Day :)

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Years

I'm 19. It doesn't feel any different, but it does. It was just a day like any other, plus an incredible cheesecake. We'll see what this world has for a 19 year old.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I Love This Day..

Today was a day where nothing out of the ordinary happened. I woke up, ate breakfast, wandered around the empty apartment, took a nap, showered, now I'm sitting. Strangely enough, it's these kinds of days that spark the most thought. There are so many things in this life of mine that I love, simple pleasures that make everything worthwhile, and if you add enough of those little things up.. sometimes they can make up for when everthing goes wrong.
Things I Loved About This Day:

Laying in bed and hearing the sounds of the day outside your window

Straightening your hair as slow as possible

Green Microfiber

Clothes strewn on a purple floor

The never ending sound of a refridgerator running

Crying over a movie that isn't really that sad

Listening to all of your favorite songs over.. and over..

Hearing the sound of your own laughter in an empty apartment

Looking in the fridge and realizing there isn't anything different in there since the last time you checked

Trying to scratch your own back

Showers that are so hot they turn your skin bright red

Thinking at the end of a day that you wouldn't have had your life turn out any other way.

Life is good.. :)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

A Real Life Demo Derby!

My first demolition derby! Me and my friend Brittany :) We can't even wait for all this demolition goodness to begin!

Just a little snapshot of the type of people we were associating with at this event.
That car is definitely on top of that other one, the black car in the corner number 403 was the car I had pegged to win.. but it couldn't stand up to the intenseness


There was smoke everywhere from the poor engines overheating and exploding



So the demo derby was a lot of fun :) This car 253 was the overall winner.. it was still running at the very end. Moral of the story.. I'm definitely taking my future children to a demolition derby. And maybe someday I'll even be the driver :P


Sunday, May 3, 2009

The last day has been 72 hours

The past 3 days have been awesome! Friday was the last day at my old apartment and we had a sleepover in our living room. So much fun. Saturday was a little bit stressful, we had to move everything out and deep clean the whole apartment by 12:30, but we made it work and we're out!
My new apartment is awesome! It's much more spacious which is always nice. The past 3 days have pretty much just run in to eachother and I don't think I'll ever catch up on sleep. I'm missing my home state of Oregon especially since my best buds went home for the summer and are there. I'm looking for a second job because I need to make a ton of money this summer. Living is expensive. I'm looking at a book store or a waitress.. we'll see how it goes.
I think that's all the news.. nothing has really changed in the past few weeks.. and yeah I stole my friends idea on her blog and put a record as my header :) you're ideas are awesome Laura :)

Monday, April 20, 2009

Roadtrip to Idaho

This weekend was a roadtrip to Idaho.. visited some friends, ate some good food, and all around had a good time. My cousin and I stopped several times along the way to take some random pictures that turned out quite nicely.. more on those later.

So.. my frog Edward died today. I'm not exactly sure how but I have my suspicions. I believe he died from complications of a wound he recieved last night, from one of the plastic pebbles that are on the bottom of the fish bowl.. I believe that one of them rolled onto his foot, pinning him on the bottom of the bowl. After I realized what had happened I let him loose, but it was all downhill from there. :( A tragic ending really...The funeral is going to slightly resemble Bilbo's departure in The Lord of the Rings.. it's being generously planned by my room mates.

The weather has warmed up and I find myself remembering how much I appreciate the sunshine.. it brings to mind the song "oh mr. sun, sun, mr. golden sun please shine down on me" I hope the weather continues to shine.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Just Give It Time

Jon Mclaughlin says it well.

I believe it. But does time heal your wounds? Or do you just get used to the pain so it seems like it's better?

I feel a rainbow coming on. It's a good feeling to be content, I think that I struggle with that feeling though. I always need something else, a change. Whether it's something big like: getting my hair cut.. again, moving out, changing the furniture, or considering switching my major for the thousandth time, or something small like: finding a new favorite song, trying a new recipe, wearing a shirt I haven't worn in a long time, or starting another book. I can't last on content.. and maybe that's a good thing. It's a choice to be happy, and I'm choosing to be happy no matter what. I've had enough of the sad.. although it does make for some killer lyrics.
It's like turning over a new leaf, starting over. I'm gonna be happy. Nobody can change that.

My move out date is drawing ever closer and I'm pretty excited. My new apartment has a pretty sweet set up. Private room and bath, laundry room, and cable!! Such an improvement from my current living situation.

My brain is everywhere. My friends are awesome. I love acting. I need more sleep. I want to play tennis. Cookie dough is a staple food item. "He's Just Not That Into You" was quite entertaining. Summer please come.

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain"

Friday, April 10, 2009

You Never Know

I'm here!!
And I love it.. She fits right in.. puzzle pieces finally matched after a long seperation. We're gonna write and we're gonna sing, and it's going to be amazing. Just like old times. :D I couldn't be happier. Really..

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Ahh.. I'm exploding

So I bought a new camera charger.. wicked photography here I come :P haha..
I feel like exploding.. did I get time traveled back into my awkward hormonal teenage state or what? I hate the feeling of having a million things to say but not being able to say them to a single person you feel like you need to say them to. I have a million things I want to say... if only it was socially acceptable to say everything on your mind without filtering. Ahh... I gotta go blast some music.. release some of this pent up emotion.
Please let my weekend be enjoyable. Boys ruin everything.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The very best from moo to you!


I went to Provo for the weekend and spent some time at my aunt and uncle's dairy farm. Cows and mud.. my favorite.

One or the other please..

So I'm beginning to wonder when my life is going to balance out. It seems as though the past 3 years have been so up and down that I have a hard time keeping track. Is it just a phase? Will things turn around and become a little bit more stable?
Another part of me thinks that maybe I enjoy the roller coaster feeling.. the excitement of the ascent.. and the thrill of the fall.. until you hit the bottom, where there's only disappointment and anticipation for the next ride. who knows.