It's 11:11...Make a wish

I've been wishing on every star,

over every bridge,

on each lucky number,

each time I see a dandelion,

and every night before I go to bed...

I've been wishing so hard...for you.

There's something you have that reminds me so accurately of my past...it aches when I wish for you.
Funny how.. there's someone in this world that is wishing with all their might.. and you can't feel it.
If I want something bad enough.. can I make it happen with just my will power alone?
If I stop to count the reasons why...I can't think of very many.
Wishing and dreams are all my mind uses these days.

For Forever..

So pretty much my whole life I've wanted to be an actress. As a young child I would watch movies over and over focusing on one character that I found intriguing and then try and act like them for the rest of the day. As I grew older I used to pretend that just my ever day life was being filmed and I was the lead. So I guess you could say I'm always acting. There is something incredibly intriguing to me about becoming someone else. I don't know if I'm ever going to be an actress. But if I could have one wish granted to me, it would be to perform. I don't just want to be famous, because that's a hard life. But I want to play those characters, all of them.

Another thing that I do, that might be a little bit crazy, but I like to research actors and actresses and see who they really are, behind their celebrity standing. I like to know how they view acting, and how they go about becoming a better actor. So the actor that I've most recently been looking at is Shia Labeauf. I first saw Shia in Even Stevens on the Disney Channel, and I loved his seemingly effortless confident humor. As he's grown I've seen this in all of his movies. He has excellent comedic timing. And to me, he's real. He could be just another guy.

Anyway.. those are my thoughts. I want to act. I want to be somebody else for awhile.

Food Fantasies

So.. I have some dreams when it comes to food. Someday I want to be an incredible chef.

I want to open my own gourmet restaurant and serve high quality food to people who appreciate it. To me, there is something magical about an elegantly decorated restaurant filled with nicely dressed people enjoying exceptional food. I want that someday.

I want to open a small local bakery in Italy. With early mornings, watching the sun rise along with my handmade bread. Where the 'regulars' aren't just my customers but my friends.

I want to open a pastry shop. With small bite size pieces of heaven that melt in your mouth and make the world seem like such a better place. The smell of chocolate and frosting and fresh berries lingering long after the taste has disappeared.

How will I ever choose? Will I ever achieve any of my food dreams?

I love it. Food. Happiness.

Ouch.. it happened again

So I dreamt about a boy last night, a boy that I love.. And in this dream the impossible happened, and when I woke up and realized it was impossible, it hurt. I feel like somebody out there in this universe.. likes to lull me into a false sense of strength and independence and then in the space of one night pull me back down into uncertainty and sadness.. slightly dramatic.. but the basic point is the same.

I've done everything I can to let this kid go.. I've eaten countless gallons of ice cream and cookie dough, watched hundreds of chick flicks, cried until I couldn't remember what I was crying about, moved out of the state, started a new life, made new friends, liked other boys, made out with other boys, developed new hobbies, thrown myself into working, written songs, "given it time", exercised, reconnected with religion, stopped talking to that boy, and that's just about everything I can think of to do.. yet one simple dream last night.. such a realistic dream.. tore the scab right off that wound and it started bleeding again.

Luckily I think it's basically healed.. so the bleeding will stop pretty immediately.. but here's the kind of sad part. I'm a dreamer, sometimes I think real life is like the movies.. but it's not. My ending with this boy isn't a fairy tale ending. He doesn't realize one day that the person he's wanted all along is me.. he doesn't come running to me and say "I've always loved you".. nope.. it's just me.. I'm the only one who will have that feeling. He's so over me.. over a year over me.. so what I am still doing hanging out in this place?

What's it going to take? How many times can I ask myself that question?.. I don't know what else to do.. any ideas?

"she laid her heart and soul right in your hands, and you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.. she never even knew she had a choice.. stupid boy"

But I'm mostly fine :).. just had a lot to get off my chest after my beautiful nightmare last night..