Well..today was a milestone. Or at least I'd like it to be. For those of you who know me and my restless wanderings around this beautiful country I hope you can pause and breathe in the seriousness of this moment.  I've planted myself and I think for the first time I'll start to throw out a few roots. While I have been known to promise similar commitments before, either in person or through this blog, I really mean it this time. The proof is in the pudding right? (whatever that means) Well here's your proof. I've officially unpacked all of my belongings. And even further than that...I have, as of just a moment ago, thrown away my packing boxes. All of them. Except for one..(but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it). And to further prove my point, these weren't just cardboard moving boxes I picked up from the local grocery store. These were solid plastic bins and containers. They cost money...and I just threw them away. To be totally honest, only time will tell if I can make good on my statement of stability.. but like I said.. I think today was a milestone. :)

And another thing. My mom wasn't one of those mothers that was super strict about making your bed.. in fact I remember my mom teaching me how to make a bed, but I don't remember actually using that skill in my childhood. Or now that I think about it.. ever using it. But since I moved into my new place I've made my bed every single day, Coming up on two months. (That's a life record) I'm not sure if that's a sign of my growing maturity.. or if maybe I'm just proud of my space. Either way I feel just a little bit more grown up.

My blog up to this point, has been primarily creative writing pieces or poems or short thoughts based mostly on heartbreak, or sadness or simply feeling lost. That's pretty much because those are the things that inspire me. I've always struggled with writing about things that make me happy, and I've put a lot of thought into why that might be. A thought came to me this morning on that particular topic.. I think it's because in the last several years, I haven't had much that made me so profoundly happy that I was stirred to write about it. The strongest emotions bring out the most beautiful work, and my strongest emotions have been laced with bitterness and melancholy.
But! Today, as I look around at my new sweet little bedroom, as I look out my window at my quiet tree lined street, as I feel the ceiling fan mixed with the breeze through the window bringing me scents of trees and fresh cut grass, as I think about my new job and the joy I feel at bringing new life to those in need I feel deep and distinct joy. I look forward to the future with a happiness in my heart that I barely recognize. While there are still troubles and stress, I can't help but think about the check I wrote yesterday. My first month's rent. The biggest check I've ever written and I smile because I know it'll go through and I won't have to eat noodles and rice until my next paycheck.
I think what I'm trying to say is, for the first time, in a long time.. I'm proud of the choices I've made that got me here. I feel strong and confident. I feel emotionally stable enough to handle anything. And that means everything to me right now.

The longer you take to decide, the more painful this becomes. I can not stop loving you. Which makes this undeniable feeling deep in my middle unbearable. To think that after all this waiting, I will be the one left disappointed. I would never say you're not worth the wait. I'm saying I won't do it anymore. And when I think about it, I shouldn't have to. Don't I deserve to be loved with all of a heart? Why must I settle for being loved by only part of one? I had big dreams and high hopes for us, and it feels nearly impossible to let those go. But all this time I've been yours, you've never been mine. And knowing that hurts worse than letting go of whatever future we might have had. So I'm letting go. Because the decision is too hard for you to make, I will make it for you. I love you. Maybe someday we can try again.

Goodbye

Goodbyes have never been especially difficult for me. I have always thought that there's no use being sad over what's left behind, because there are always more exciting things ahead. I don't cry, and I always sort of wonder at people who do. Goodbyes have been easy for me.

Except for this goodbye. This one has been extraordinarily sad. And I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

I'm crying, and I can't even stop. Maybe it's because this thing we had was just getting started and I'm not ready to let go, or maybe it's because I've become comfortable and this change seems a little scary. I'm not the type to be scared of the unknown but to be honest, I'm a little nervous.

I've come to depend on you, and knowing that you won't be there and that we might never have these moments again is terrifyingly heart-breaking. I know I'll be fine, and maybe I'm a little over dramatic but I'm going to feel this ache and hold it for tonight, so that tomorrow I can remember all the good we had. I'll miss you.. like crazy.

"It is not true we only have one life to love, if we can read, we can live as many lives and as many kinds of lives as we wish"
-S.I. Hayakawa

" To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all of the miseries of life"
-William Somerset Maugham

" If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

-Johnny Depp

And just like many times before I can let you go and move on. Remember my old dreams and move towards them alone. And while I do love you, love you with an ache that pulls me towards you in the toughest times, I know in the deepest part of my heart that these are fleeting moments. Moments that are beautiful and healing but that are not meant to last. And of all the things I've learned the most important is to trust myself. So I must let you go now. Find your own dreams but don't forget that I so deeply wanted you to be a part of mine. You have a beautiful heart and a quick mind, perfect humor and a gentle touch. So we will part and I will smile, because I needed you.. and I think you needed me too.