Monday, September 28, 2009

It's 11:11...Make a wish

I've been wishing on every star,
over every bridge,
on each lucky number,
each time I see a dandelion,
and every night before I go to bed...

I've been wishing so hard...for you.

There's something you have that reminds me so accurately of my aches when I wish for you.
Funny how.. there's someone in this world that is wishing with all their might.. and you can't feel it.
If I want something bad enough.. can I make it happen with just my will power alone?
If I stop to count the reasons why...I can't think of very many.
Wishing and dreams are all my mind uses these days.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Cus This Hurts

I feel like my walls are crumbling.

If only you knew how hard I work every single day to keep each brick in place.

I'm frantic.

This feeling is called panic.

And the worst part...

I'm tearing it down myself.

Though every part tells me to let it fall

I know it'll hurt.

It hurts now, and it hasn't even begun.

Distance and Distraction.

That's what I need.

Close the part that feels and forget.

Play the game.

Defense and Protection.

Rebuild the walls.

The only thing left.

Monday, September 21, 2009


She walked down the aisle looking for just the right spot, her body on autopilot, her mind a mess. She slid the old worn cover into it's place, snuggled up on either side by other well-loved books. Just another day at work. The old book store has been around for as long as anyone can remember. The musty smell is comforting. The secluded corners filled with overstuffed armchairs are perfect for becoming invisible in. This is her heaven.
She begins to lose herself, but her work continues. Lost in her own thoughts, wading through the thickness, trying to make her way to higher ground where she can observe the thoughts converse, instead of being caught in between the collisions. But she can't find her way out. A few thoughts seem intent on pushing themselves forward. The ones about him. Of course.
Another book, another slot, another page, another thought.
What will it take? How much longer must she wait? When is the right time? Patience.
I'm ready now, she thinks. She looks at the door, imagining his beautiful eyes searching her out as he walks in. Finding her, he smiles, walks over and grabs her hand. "I'm ready now to" he says. "And I want you". And right there in between the books, she shoves all her thoughts aside and they kiss.
Finally. Her time has come, her number has been called, it's her turn.
She smiles and closes her eyes. She can feel his hand in her hair, the other on the side of her face. His hands are so perfect. So perfect. The smell of him isn't like anything else. It's boy smell. Adventure, strength, desire, comfortable, safe. Can you die from happiness? Even if you can't, she would be okay dying right now, this happy. So happy.
She opens her eyes. There is no beautiful boy standing in front of her. There are no hands. No one else heard his voice. She looks towards the door, and the street is empty. Her cruel mind. Thoughts playing tricks again, making her believe that much happiness exists at one time. She sighs and puts the last book in it's place.
Just like this place, just like these books, her life is make-believe. Her daydreams her only companion.
Please. Just please.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I've Gotta Feeling...That Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night

What makes a day fantastic? I don't exactly know.. but the past two days have been so incredibly fantastic that it has reestablished my faith that these kinds of days do exist...even when you're single :).

These happy days have been unexpected and no one thing has made them great. They're just good. Come to think of it.. this past weekend was splendid. This upcoming weekend is going to be superb. This is what we wait for. The bad days pass and an exceptional week comes along.

I still have school. I still have homework. And I still have to work. None of my responsibilities have diminished, nothing has changed. Maybe it's my attitude that's made them great. But my attitude hasn't changed either. Oh well...whatever it is..I'll take it :D

Things that made my weekend and the past two days fantastic:
  • I made a fort, like the kind of fort you made when you were a kid..the one where you just grabbed a bunch of stuff and some kitchen chairs and imagined the rest. I made it with 2 of the most wonderful people. The kind of people where the world seems a little bit better because you're hanging out with them, and you wish you'd known them your whole life because they're that great. We also roasted marshmallows in our fort over a pile of tea lights while we watched Moulin Rouge. It was a great night.
  • I went to church and was inspired. It was one of those church days where it was just meant for you, everything everyone said was so perfect and tailored to my exact thoughts.
  • I went to work and everyone was happy to see me. It's amazing what a "hey brittany! I'm so glad you're working today" can do for a person. Especially when you just worked with those exact people two nights ago.
  • I went back to work after class with my room mate and ordered all the desserts on the menu..and ate them all. Plus we flirted with all the male servers...and the best part was...they flirted back.
  • I went to see if I made it into the play that I auditioned for, and I did which would have made me happy enough but while I was checking I ran into atleast 5 people that I love. And we talked in the hallway, and made jokes and laughed and gave hugs, and talked about hanging out more often.
  • Then...spur of the moment I went to eat with this guy. Who just happens to be attractive. I don't even care if he never likes me like that.. he's just the greatest guy. Good personality, funny, same interests.. yeah he's one of those guys.
  • Well then..when we were eating his brother showed up.. and his brother is also one of those guys. Funny, attractive, slightly touchy feely (which I actually love) and just an all around awesome guy.
  • So we ate. And talked. And laughed. Then they gave me a ride back to school. And this next part is going to make me sound slightly full of myself and a lot ridiculous...they rolled down their windows (in their pretty sweet looking car by the way) and turned the music up really loud...which for some reason always makes me feel cooler. The song was "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas. Such a good song to roll the windows down to. So they drove me to the turnaround by the student center..and it just so happened that the bus was going to pick up soon, so there was a lot of people waiting to get picked up. So there I was getting out of a cool car that carried me with two attractive boys and some dang good music blasting out the stereo. And as I got out and walked away.. they hung out the window and said "See ya tonight at 8!" ... and everyone saw. Okay.. there's my moment.. I'm done gloating.
  • Last but not least.. I really do get to hang out with these guys again at 8.

It's been a good week so far. :D

Monday, September 14, 2009

Thunder, Rain, and Chocolate Almond Amore

Today has been exceptional.
Someone called me 'babe'...I love that
It is pouring down rain...there really isn't anything better
I'm curled up in a blanket, listening to all my favorite music and the soothing hum of falling rain, sipping on a chocolate almond amore.
This day is beautiful.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Paper Bags and Plastic Hearts

If I had to choose one album to describe all of high school it would be the self-titled album Boys Like Girls. I can recall the exact moment we were introduced. It was in the red rocket, driving to lunch. The indie rock/alternative band blared through the fuzzy speakers. It was like I discovered music for the first time. The song Up Against the Wall spoke of lost love, the hurt, sorrow, and confusion of heart ache. All things that my young innocent heart knew absolutely nothing of. But I loved it. I used to listen to the song over and over and pretend like I knew what that felt like. Ironically, as I listen to this song today...I know. "Who said that it's better to have loved and lost, I wish that I had never loved at all."
Boys Like Girls and their song The Great Escape was there when my first real crush whispered that he liked me...he really liked me. I didn't have to imagine anymore. I'd never felt like I could fly before and that there wasn't anything in this world that I couldn't long as he was there.
Five Minutes to Midnight was the song we sang at the top of our lungs when we were skipping church on Wednesdays. Being teenagers, talking about life and everything we hoped it would hold for us. It was there when he'd rush me home to make curfew, dreaming about the day when we'd drive right out of our little town and start our own life.
On Top of the World and Thunder were the songs I listened to in my car after spending the day with him... sitting in my driveway procrastinating going inside, not wanting the night to end. Lights out, windows beginning to fog as I sang those words to the steering wheel, windshield and old fabric seats. These songs were the songs of my heart.
Boys Like Girls was my first band t-shirt. He bought it for me when he went to their concert. The first t-shirt any boy had bought me. I wore it religiously.. it meant something.
Every song has some memory attached. It's the soundtrack of my high school career. When it all ended I couldn't listen to Boys Like Girls anymore. They still spoke the truth..but I didn't want to hear the truth. Up Against the Wall made me cry.. Great Escape made me want to scream until he had no voice to play me and I had no voice to answer.
Boys Like Girls and I have reunited. They are fond memories now. I wouldn't trade high school for anything..but I'd never go back. I don't regret him..I don't even think of him every day fact I've tried so hard to erase him that I can't remember what his voice sounds like anymore, or how his hand feels in mine, any of our inside jokes, his favorite foods or movies, or what his handwriting looked like. The exact color of his eyes, the face he made when he was concentrating, his laugh, how his breath smelt, how I felt when he kissed me, what his room looked like, and when he'd hold me and say I love you..those things I'll never forget. I can't. I've tried. Do I miss him? No. I miss the idea of him.
Every song meant something, and has some memory attached. It's the soundtrack of my high school career.
P.S. Laura, you will never know how much you mean to me. You are the only one who really knows. Thanks for being there through everything.
I rememered something today.. something that either made my heart stop or beat faster.. I couldn't tell which. I guess those little harsh memories pop up every once in awhile. To remind you not to make the same mistake twice.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

You Might Want To Know

I think too much, and I overanalyze
I can't say things I want to
Sometimes I cry for no apparent reason
I need to watch movies alone every once in awhile
There are times when I want everything that is wrong for me
I love animals
I will get defensive if you say anything bad about any movies that Johnny Depp has been or will be in.
95% of my life is spent in sweats and a t-shirt
I need to be listened to.. even if I'm repeating myself
My food can't touch
I'm moody..
I hate feeling left out
Please text me back
I get grumpy when I'm tired
I compare myself to others more than I should
Sometimes I don't shave...for a long time
I was all in the moment we started...

She handed him the folded piece of paper, let out her breath, and looked him steadily in the eye. His confused expression made her want to smile cry. She put a small hand to his face and then walked away.
"He needs to know" she thought to herself. "He needs to know right now...before this goes any further, because if he finds out later.. and decides I'm not what he thought.. I'll never be able to let go. But if he knows now, maybe it will hurt less"
She had given him his ticket out, signed with her own signature. Now she just had to wait and see if he used it. Wait to see if he still loved her, wait to see if she was going to have to talk her way out of loving him, wait to see if this time would be different.
This girl.. is waiting.

Love Is a Mix Tape


Kreativ Blogger

My soul sister Laura of start something new has nominated me for the Kreativ Blogger award! Laura pretty much rocks and I wouldn't want to live this life without her :) Check out her blog because it's just plain amazing.

According to the rules, I must:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

Here's my 7 things:

1. I make lists of everything. Here's a list of some of my lists.
To do, Goals, Groceries, Places to go, Names I like, Things to do before I die, Music to get, Music to listen to again, Food I like, Faults, Things to work on, Projects to start, Projects to finish, If I had money things I'd spend it on, All the dogs I want, Places I'd like to live someday, Languages I want to speak, etc...etc..

2. If I walk into a bookstore, I rarely ever walk out without spending at least $30.oo. And if I see or hear about a book sale, no matter the books that are being sold I always buy more than I can carry home without help.

3. Sometimes I pretend my life is a movie, and I act as though I have an audience.

4. The one thing in this whole world that can make me more frustrated and allow me to burst into tears faster than anything else... is technology.

5. Music saves me every day.

6. Sometimes I like to sit in a dim, empty room and listen to the clock tick.

7. I love to drive. Anywhere, anytime.

And now I nominate...

(this is actually tough because I don't really know any of the people whose blogs I I may fall short of the required number)

Anna Allen and her Apache Adoption Agency
Jennifer and Flavors of the Umpqua (never fails to remind me of my beautiful Oregon)
Eden and The Beginning of Blue January (I know this is so cheating...)

Really..I could only come up with 4... I need to find some more blogs to follow..I'll get right on that.