Answer Me This

It is an interesting thing...

Wanting to change your life...parts of your personality...and the assembly of fragments that compose the way you think...

I'm learning.

There are things that you can change and things that you can only learn how to deal with.

I'm a very very long way from the type of person that I want to be.

I want to change by the way I write.

I want to look around and only love what I see.

I want to be well read, educated, intelligent, and smart.

I want to create an impression that doesn't fade.

Doesn't everybody want to be remembered for something?

I want to forget. Leave behind. Put in a box all of my regrets.

I don't want to regret.

I want to do everything.

I don't ever want to wish that I would have...

I'm torn between what's realistic and responsible...and what makes me feel right.

Is there a right way?

When do you stop doing it your parents way and find your own way? Is that okay?

Do you ever stop needing their approval?

How do I change?

Will I ever find my place...my 'niche' in this world?

Do those even exist?

Why is it so hard to make decisions?

I want to change...

I realized that I try to romanticize everything in my life...what does that mean?

I have matching zits on either side of my forehead..I'm wondering...how does that happen?

There's something about flower shops that make me want to smile and drink tea...

Sara Bareilles is singing my heart tonight..

Days Like These

Maybe I should have payed more attention in health class back in my freshman year of high school. I believe that I pulled a muscle. How? One might wonder.. Is it possible for a muscle to pull itself? Can you pull your muscle whilst sleeping? What about when stepping out of the bathtub? While eating? Maybe while crawling out of a bunk bed? Obviously it must be one of those.. because that's all I've done in the past 48 hours..

Also.. who knew that there was a muscle that took up a good half to three quarters of your leg. I'm out of commission for the time being.. which is alright.. because I've just been laying on the couch watching old 50's movies anyway.

It's 11:11...Make a wish

I've been wishing on every star,

over every bridge,

on each lucky number,

each time I see a dandelion,

and every night before I go to bed...

I've been wishing so hard...for you.

There's something you have that reminds me so accurately of my past...it aches when I wish for you.
Funny how.. there's someone in this world that is wishing with all their might.. and you can't feel it.
If I want something bad enough.. can I make it happen with just my will power alone?
If I stop to count the reasons why...I can't think of very many.
Wishing and dreams are all my mind uses these days.

Rain

Her alarm rings and she sighs.. she doesn't want to open these tired eyes of hers

She's not ready for the world. In the night her dreams wrap around her and protect her from uncomfortable reality. Life. She's comfortable.

She gets out of bed and stumble walks to the bathroom where she strips off her clothes, avoids the mirror, and steps into the shower. It's like rain, pelting rain.

She smears on the makeup that she's supposed to wear. The kind that makes her eyes look bigger, more beautiful. They're just average without the world.

The shadow, the crease, the bone, the curve, the color.

Her hair is growing and straight, she pulls it back. Pushes and shoves, twists and pokes until it's all hidden beneath the hairband. Perfectly hidden.

She doesn't eat, the food doesn't satisfy her clothing. She's tired of her unhappy clothes.

She's finished. One hour. She's ready.

The forgotten girl steps outside to conquer the forgetting world. It's raining.

Blue, grey, soft, damp, cool.

She stands in the empty space as the rain fixes everything that's wrong.

She's dreaming in real life. Head tilted slightly back, arms dangling. The rain touches her face and wipes away each color and line. It drips down her face, melts until her skin is smooth, bare, white. Her eyes are closed, beautiful.

The rain strokes her hair, pulls it, strands fall and hang until her hair is free. Not hiding. Hanging unashamed, happy raindrops leaving the ends.

This fulfills her. Finishes. Completes. She is herself, it won't let her be anything else.

This rain is hers.

So.. Sometimes Your Computer Gets A Virus..

So.. Sometimes your computer gets a virus... and you lose everything. Everything. We're talking full blown no pictures no itunes no essays no lyrics no resume no backgrounds no "don't forget" notes no list of books to read no favorites pages saved on the internet no recipes no things I wish I would have said factory condition computer meltdown.

And sometimes that virus is the last straw

So.. You feel bummed and disappointed and "why me" and "how could this happen" and I can't handle this and angry and frustrated and at times even irate and indescribably sad and eventually that all turns into.. I feel glad that I get to start over and it's a really good thing that the stupid file I hated that belonged to that stupid boy I could never hate that for some reason I could never get rid of is gone. Maybe it was a sign, or some sort of blessing from the universe.

But it's still kind of the last straw

So.. Now I feel like my life is pretty unorganized because for whatever reason that laptop made my life feel somewhat put together. And I'm picking up the pieces and reinstalling the software and maybe this time I won't let my laptop get filled with things that are extra, unneccesary, background noise, irritating, and slow my computer down. Maybe I can turn it into an analogy for my life.

Live simply

You can always start over

Remember what's really important

It'll all work out in the end, and if it doesn't, it's not the end.