I realized that I try to romanticize everything in my life...what does that mean?

I have matching zits on either side of my forehead..I'm wondering...how does that happen?

There's something about flower shops that make me want to smile and drink tea...

Sara Bareilles is singing my heart tonight..

It's a List Day

So I've been having a lot of random thoughts lately...
(it's actually a fact that I only think random thoughts)

Here's some lists I've come up with.

To do someday:

• Learn Arabic and read the Koran
• Walk 10 miles just to see what that feels like
• Go one week without using my cell phone and see how lonely I feel
• Hitch hike...for real
• Go surfing in Australia (and not care how many sharks there are)
• Own 500 movies that I love

All the Degrees I want to get:

• Biology - so I can become a vet
• English Literature - so I can be a librarian
• French - so I can be an interpreter in the U.S embassy in France
• Theatre Arts - so I can be an actress
• Piano Performance - so I can be a concert pianist
• Psychology - so I can be a psychologist

All the pets I want to have someday:

• Horses
• Dogs
• Cats
• A bird or two
• A rabbit or two
• I wouldn't mind having a rat..only a cute one though.. His name will be Gus Gus in honor of Cinderella
• Maybe a dairy cow.. just for fun..and maybe for milk
• Chickens..fresh eggs are the best

So.. keep in mind..all of these thoughts happened either:

• In the middle of class
• Right before I fell asleep
• One of those times when you wake up randomly in the night
• While eating
• While watching tv
• While walking to class
• When I was driving

That's all :)

I've Gotta Feeling...That Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night

What makes a day fantastic? I don't exactly know.. but the past two days have been so incredibly fantastic that it has reestablished my faith that these kinds of days do exist...even when you're single :).

These happy days have been unexpected and no one thing has made them great. They're just good. Come to think of it.. this past weekend was splendid. This upcoming weekend is going to be superb. This is what we wait for. The bad days pass and an exceptional week comes along.

I still have school. I still have homework. And I still have to work. None of my responsibilities have diminished, nothing has changed. Maybe it's my attitude that's made them great. But my attitude hasn't changed either. Oh well...whatever it is..I'll take it :D

Things that made my weekend and the past two days fantastic:

• I made a fort, like the kind of fort you made when you were a kid..the one where you just grabbed a bunch of stuff and some kitchen chairs and imagined the rest. I made it with 2 of the most wonderful people. The kind of people where the world seems a little bit better because you're hanging out with them, and you wish you'd known them your whole life because they're that great. We also roasted marshmallows in our fort over a pile of tea lights while we watched Moulin Rouge. It was a great night.
• I went to church and was inspired. It was one of those church days where it was just meant for you, everything everyone said was so perfect and tailored to my exact thoughts.
• I went to work and everyone was happy to see me. It's amazing what a "hey brittany! I'm so glad you're working today" can do for a person. Especially when you just worked with those exact people two nights ago.
• I went back to work after class with my room mate and ordered all the desserts on the menu..and ate them all. Plus we flirted with all the male servers...and the best part was...they flirted back.
• I went to see if I made it into the play that I auditioned for, and I did which would have made me happy enough but while I was checking I ran into atleast 5 people that I love. And we talked in the hallway, and made jokes and laughed and gave hugs, and talked about hanging out more often.
• Then...spur of the moment I went to eat with this guy. Who just happens to be attractive. I don't even care if he never likes me like that.. he's just the greatest guy. Good personality, funny, same interests.. yeah he's one of those guys.
• Well then..when we were eating his brother showed up.. and his brother is also one of those guys. Funny, attractive, slightly touchy feely (which I actually love) and just an all around awesome guy.
• So we ate. And talked. And laughed. Then they gave me a ride back to school. And this next part is going to make me sound slightly full of myself and a lot ridiculous...they rolled down their windows (in their pretty sweet looking car by the way) and turned the music up really loud...which for some reason always makes me feel cooler. The song was "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas. Such a good song to roll the windows down to. So they drove me to the turnaround by the student center..and it just so happened that the bus was going to pick up soon, so there was a lot of people waiting to get picked up. So there I was getting out of a cool car that carried me with two attractive boys and some dang good music blasting out the stereo. And as I got out and walked away.. they hung out the window and said "See ya tonight at 8!" ... and everyone saw. Okay.. there's my moment.. I'm done gloating.
• Last but not least.. I really do get to hang out with these guys again at 8.

It's been a good week so far. :D

Thunder, Rain, and Chocolate Almond Amore

Today has been exceptional.

Someone called me 'babe'...I love that

It is pouring down rain...there really isn't anything better

I'm curled up in a blanket, listening to all my favorite music and the soothing hum of falling rain, sipping on a chocolate almond amore.

This day is beautiful.

I'm not even that busy

Life kidnapped me and is running away this week.
My brain is moving so much faster than the rest of my body.
I'm such a 'why' person.. I just need to know.
Sometimes I feel like my heart and mind are fighting...not just like a little tug-o-war, or a scrimmage where really they're on the same side it's just practice.. not even a battle.. a full fledged war with lots at stake.
I know that you can only think of one thing at a time.. but it's pretty amazing how quickly you can think of each of those things.
Sleep is a cure-all...so is water
Remember that war that's going on..? I think that wherever desire comes from is also involved.
Attraction is so bittersweet..

I'm Not..

I'm not the kind of girl that never regrets what she's done..

I don't always say what I mean...and sometimes I say the exact opposite of how I feel.

I'm not the kind of girl that stays up late and parties...

I'd rather stay at home, order take out, and watch a movie.

I'm not the kind of girl that remembers the important things...

Sometimes I forget.. not on purpose.. but I promise never to forget to love you

I'm not the kind of girl that does one-night stands...I don't think

I like life a little messy... as long as you're there to help me clean it up

I'm just an artist...I'm not misunderstood or overlooked...but doesn't pain create the most beautiful things?

I hurt...all the time...but it's mostly a very dull ache in the furthest back corner of my heart...it will go away someday...I think

I always think...my brain doesn't turn off.

I'm the kind of girl that dreams

Sometimes I'm afraid...of everything

Sometimes I don't feel fear

I'm composed of maybe's, when I'm in the right moods, and sometimes'.

I'm not the kind of girl that's consisent... but I'm stable.

I may not be the kind of girl that's right...but I want to be your kind of girl, and only your kind.

Maybe that's why you're so hard to find.

I cant be any different than I am..I can't even pretend..if I try my mouth opens and tells the truth.

I'm a good liar. I'm an actress. I like to put on a show. But you'll always know. Someday..or maybe the first day.. you'll be able to look at my eyes and know.

I'm not that kind of girl. I just thought you should know.

Rain

Her alarm rings and she sighs.. she doesn't want to open these tired eyes of hers

She's not ready for the world. In the night her dreams wrap around her and protect her from uncomfortable reality. Life. She's comfortable.

She gets out of bed and stumble walks to the bathroom where she strips off her clothes, avoids the mirror, and steps into the shower. It's like rain, pelting rain.

She smears on the makeup that she's supposed to wear. The kind that makes her eyes look bigger, more beautiful. They're just average without the world.

The shadow, the crease, the bone, the curve, the color.

Her hair is growing and straight, she pulls it back. Pushes and shoves, twists and pokes until it's all hidden beneath the hairband. Perfectly hidden.

She doesn't eat, the food doesn't satisfy her clothing. She's tired of her unhappy clothes.

She's finished. One hour. She's ready.

The forgotten girl steps outside to conquer the forgetting world. It's raining.

Blue, grey, soft, damp, cool.

She stands in the empty space as the rain fixes everything that's wrong.

She's dreaming in real life. Head tilted slightly back, arms dangling. The rain touches her face and wipes away each color and line. It drips down her face, melts until her skin is smooth, bare, white. Her eyes are closed, beautiful.

The rain strokes her hair, pulls it, strands fall and hang until her hair is free. Not hiding. Hanging unashamed, happy raindrops leaving the ends.

This fulfills her. Finishes. Completes. She is herself, it won't let her be anything else.

This rain is hers.

Always Learning

So.. I learned something new last night..
Well.. it wasn't so much that I learned it for the first time.. mostly I just realized it..
When you work in the food business.. for example a restaurant.
Don't fall in love with any of of the waiters..

They're paid to be charming

Doubt

Sometimes I stress about.. what to post on my blog. I want something insightful, fun, interesting..etc. But.. I'm beginning to realize that this blog is more for me than it is for anyone else. It's a way for me to say what I think.. a creative outlet. Tonight I feel.. kind of like this monologue from the famous play and now movie Doubt by John Patrick Shanley.

What do you do when you're not sure? That's the topic of my sermon today.

Last year, when President Kennedy was assasinated, who among us did not experience the most profound disorientation. Despair?

Which way? What now?

What do I say to my kids? What do I tell myself? It was a time of people sitting together, bound together by a common feeling of hopelessness.

But think of that! You're BOND with your fellow being was your Despair.

It was a public experience. It was awful but we were in it together.

How much worse is it then for the lone man, the lone woman stricken by a private calamity?

No one knows I'm sick

No one knows I've lost my last real friend

No one knows I've done something wrong. Imagine the isolation. Now you see the world as through a window. On one side of the glass: happy untroubled people, and on the other side: you.

I want to tell you a story

A cargo ship sank one night. It caught fire and went down. And only this one sailor survived. He found a lifeboat, rigged a sail...and being of a nautical discipline...turned his eyes to the Heavens and read the stars. He set a course towards home and exhausted fell asleep. Clouds rolled in. And for the next twenty nights, he could no longer see the stars. He thought he was on course, but there was no way to be certain. And as the days rolled on, and the sailor wasted away, he began to have doubts. Had he set his course right? Was he still going on towards his home? Or was he horribly lost and doomed to a terrible death? No way to know. The message of the constellations - had he imagined it because of his desperate circumstance? Or had he seen truth once and now had to hold on to it without further reassurance?

There are those of you in church today who know exactly the crisis of faith I describe. And I want to say to you. Doubt can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost. You are not alone.

We all have doubts in our lives. Something I have to remind myself of often is the saying:

"It'll all work out in the end, and if it doesn't work out, it's not the end"

they don't have anywhere else to go

Thoughts that bounce around.. they need to come out. But where would I put them? They're not exactly like call-a-friend worthy but they're too long for a status on facebook. So they come here.

Man am I grateful for extremely attractive men at work

Why are all the extremely attractive men impossible to have?

Why does that always happen?

Men who are bad for me are attracted to me..

I'm attracted to men who are bad for me.

Why?

I'm exhausted.. more exhausted then I've been in a long long long time

5 nights of unwanted sleep deprivation.. that'll do it

Why are her flowers dying.. I water them.. but they look worse every day

That cat seriously never stops meowing, what does it want??

I might be terrible for leading guys on.. on purpose

I am terrible for leading guys on..on purpose

Players.. I'm okay if they're around and..

unfortunately.. I'm semi-okay with them playing me

I won't get attached...right? so right

Sometimes I miss high school even though I promised myself I wouldn't

I like to feel like I'm good at flirting

Man does he have a good smile.. and why did he have to touch my arm?

Player

I have to keep reminding myself :)

I'm terrible..

I'm still waiting for the day when I snap my fingers and look exactly how I want to look

I work with them both tomorrow! Yes!

...I miss my family and friends

I Love French Actors

L'amour Dangereux

I just picked up an independent foreign film and popped it in the dvd player

I had no expectations of what the movie was about or what it would be like.

And.. honestly.. it wasn't that great.

There were some parts...if you know what I mean

And.. if I don't speak or understand the language does it matter how many F bombs were dropped?...confession the English subtitles were on.

Anyway

The two leads in this film.. I fell in love with them both.

Jennifer Decker

Nicolas Cazale

Both French actors..

It definitely helps that I love the french language so everytime they spoke I was completely enthralled..

I'd really like to see them in some other films.. I think it's pretty cool that there's like this whole other world filled with actors and actresses that we've never even heard of.

I've gotta watch more foreign films.

Cesar Millan.. The Dog Whisperer

Okay.. it might be a tiny obsession. But I absolutely love watching Cesar Millan The Dog Whisperer. He's amazing to watch. He gives new insight on dog training, which I find pretty interesting. I consider myself an animal person and I love learning about animal psychology, and that's what Cesar does. He teaches me about dog psychology, and I think it's pretty cool.