Thursday, May 28, 2009

Ouch.. it happened again

So I dreamt about a boy last night, a boy that I love.. And in this dream the impossible happened, and when I woke up and realized it was impossible, it hurt. I feel like somebody out there in this universe.. likes to lull me into a false sense of strength and independence and then in the space of one night pull me back down into uncertainty and sadness.. slightly dramatic.. but the basic point is the same.

I've done everything I can to let this kid go.. I've eaten countless gallons of ice cream and cookie dough, watched hundreds of chick flicks, cried until I couldn't remember what I was crying about, moved out of the state, started a new life, made new friends, liked other boys, made out with other boys, developed new hobbies, thrown myself into working, written songs, "given it time", exercised, reconnected with religion, stopped talking to that boy, and that's just about everything I can think of to do.. yet one simple dream last night.. such a realistic dream.. tore the scab right off that wound and it started bleeding again.

Luckily I think it's basically healed.. so the bleeding will stop pretty immediately.. but here's the kind of sad part. I'm a dreamer, sometimes I think real life is like the movies.. but it's not. My ending with this boy isn't a fairy tale ending. He doesn't realize one day that the person he's wanted all along is me.. he doesn't come running to me and say "I've always loved you".. nope.. it's just me.. I'm the only one who will have that feeling. He's so over me.. over a year over me.. so what I am still doing hanging out in this place?

What's it going to take? How many times can I ask myself that question?.. I don't know what else to do.. any ideas?

"she laid her heart and soul right in your hands, and you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.. she never even knew she had a choice.. stupid boy"

But I'm mostly fine :).. just had a lot to get off my chest after my beautiful nightmare last night..

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