Strip Me

Every day I fight for all my future somethings, a thousand little wars I have to choose between. I could spend a lifetime earning things that I don't need, but that's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty.

And if you strip me, strip it all away. If you strip me, what would you find? If you strip me, strip it all away.. I'll be alright. Take what you want. Steal my pride. Build me up or cut me down to size. Shut me out, but I'll just scream. I'm only one voice in a million but you ain't taking that from me.

I don't need a microphone to say what I've been thinking. My heart is like a loudspeaker that's always on eleven. Cuz when it all boils down at the end of the day, it's what you do and say that makes you who you are. Think about it. Doesn't it? Sometimes all it takes is one voice.

-Strip Me by Natasha Bedingfield

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnhDIGTIdho

I've Decided

It feels good. And although there are still many things unknown, I'm finally headed in the right direction. And after all.. it doesn't matter where you are on your path.. but which way you're pointing. I haven't felt this good in a long time. As a firm believe in new year's resolutions I'm looking forward to January 1st, and I'm going to make the year 2011 a year to remember.

Corners, Window Panes, and Lightbulbs

You know things are getting bad when you find yourself sitting, parked in your driveway, rain beating it's tiny fists on your window, listening intently and momentarily seriously considering the National Guard.

Glad I snapped out of that one.

So recently, I had a wonderful friend advise me to find one thing each day that made me happy and to call upon that one thing whenever I began to feel my spirits fall.

Let me back up. This month in particular has been exceptionally difficult. And last night may have been the crowning glory of all my misery. So I knelt down, and prayed that I would have the strength to get through tomorrow.. please please just give me strength. Then I literally crawled into bed and closed my eyes tight hoping for some peace and solitude in sleep. Thinking that maybe a good night's rest would be the cure.

I woke slowly this morning, drifting to and from. And somewhere in the in between of to and from, I heard a bird. A bird just singing his little heart out. Whistling and warbling. And as the the little melody tumbled from this little bird I realized that this.. made me happy. This bird in the middle of December..in the pouring rain, was singing. The strength that I needed, the happiness that I desired to feel.. came from the smallest of places.

Things are looking up.

God loves me.

Perfect

There are few things that fall into your life as perfectly as these have.

Slow Goodbye by Lesley Roy
I'm Gone I'm Going also by Lesley Roy (she's incredible)
Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Go by Boys Like Girls
Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood
Wishes by Superchick
Let Go by Frou Frou

I know the last two are a repeat from my last post but they are just too perfect to leave out of this list.

Let Go

Two things:

Let Go by Frou Frou
Wishes by Superchick

They say everything I can't.

Make your next move...uhhh....

And so my life is as follows:

with $20 left in my bank account

an orphaned dog here and then gone

2 boxes of Kraft Mac and Cheese left in my food cupboard

a brand spankin new library card

only 4 shirts, a pair of jeans, a couple scarves and 2 pairs of underwear not yet thrown in the dirty laundry basket

one light bulb burnt out in my two light bulb room

incessant rain

one squirt of face wash left

one old razor

4 pairs of shoes soaked through

only one pair of socks (not even matching)

a box of kleenex instead of toilet paper

3 bottles of nail polish, black, purple and red respectively

a down comforter, a quilt, and two blankets in replacement for the heater

a lease that ends in two weeks and no replacement home to be found

25 job applications

0 interviews

I find myself weighing my options.

Unfortunately none of the outcomes are ideal.

What now?

I dream of selling the rest of my things

spending the money on a one way greyhound ticket to anywhere else

leaving this world behind

and finding a new one

maybe i'd find a new me along the way

I'd say it's about time for a makeover.

These Days

On days like these.. the ones where the rain just falls and falls, each little drop diving from its mother cloud to pound incessantly on my tin roof. The irregular drum beats of the heavy rain overspilling it's gutters and landing with such finality, seeping into the already soaking black brown earth. Days like this hollow out a girl.

Sometimes on days like this nothing can pull me out of the blissful escape of my bed except an ooey gooey caramel brownie blizzard. Days like this.. I lay huddled in my christmas pajamas..the ones that remind me of happier times, and read chapter after chapter of my latest read. Losing myself, my problems, my worries in another person's life. It feels like if I focus hard enough..forget enough, maybe I can enter their world and not have to come back.

Days like this..I lie curled..listening as the world spins around me. Busy people, busy lives. But these days..that world doesn't pull me like it used to. It's exhausting. Draining me dry. I need some recovery..respite only solitary confinement offers. I feel too small to take on anything. Everything threatens to swallow me whole..

On days like these..its safer to stay inside.

The Hero Dies In This One

"I thought I knew you, but I guess it's easier to see what we want, than to look for the truth. You think you know me, but you don't know me and that means you don't know what I can do. You see me as someone who has all the answers, that's not true. I may not always know what I'm doing, but I'll try to make things better, and when I make a mistake, because face it we all do, I promise I'll ask for help. I can't do this alone, but if you'll take a chance on me we can do great things together. I promise if you believe in me we'll find the courage to reach for your every dream. John F. Kennedy said the courage of life is the magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures, and that is the basis of all morality."

-Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill

I'm not in it to win it.. I'm in it for you.

This is one game I will not compete in.

Laundry Thoughts

The laundromat. South Side Suds. Just a place, a location. A room filled with the quiet humming of washers in their spin cycle and the soft noise that comes when clothes tumble together. Apartments never feel like home unless theres a washer and dryer. I guess thats why this laundromat feels more like home than anywhere else. There's just something about laundry.
It's hard to explain sometimes. The way we feel. Maybe even impossible. I guess thats why we write, or paint, or sing, or build things, or workout, or become hermits. Somebody said something interesting to me today.. he said..

"You can sit all day in sweats and watch movies and never be uncomfortable, but life is supposed to be uncomfortable..that's how you know you're getting somewhere."

I'm afraid that I'm so afraid of being uncomfortable that I'm just coasting through life. There's another quote that hit me pretty hard.. It's from the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert..

"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be"

What's wrong with me? There's a large part of my brain that screams.."mostly nothing" Sure I've got issues..doesn't everyone? Quirks, bad habits, things to learn. But I don't think those things constitute being wrong. Shouldn't I be able to be who I am.. all the time? Without having to apologize for it? Isn't that okay? Normal even? Needless to say there's a bit of a civil war going on in here. Where did I get all this patience? I've never experienced a patient day in my life and now all of a sudden I can wait forever? What is happening to me.. I'm pretty sure I never learned how to compromise either.. and now I don't even compromise I just give in. I'm afraid of these new developments they feel like trying to fit into your little sisters clothes. Too tight.. the wrong fit. I'm not sure there's anyone in the whole world tailored to fit me.. does that mean I'm doomed to always being something I'm not? Or is there someone who's willing to just accept and love anyway? I know I'm spoiled. Spoiled rotten in fact.. I've even been accused, tried, and found guilty by many more than just my parents. I know this is the most spoiled thing to say of all.. but so what? Ahh.. life never gets any easier. This turned into ramblings.. but I mostly just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.. or I was in danger of doing something drastic. Possibly taking a long run at night in Southtown without my mace.. or trying to cut my own hair.. or attempting to induce a food coma.. or j-walking across the highway..possibly even driving straight out of Corvallis until my car ran completely out of gas and then just waiting for someone to rescue me. But I've spent the majority of my life waiting for that someone.. and I've come to the conclusion that millions before me have already realized.. you can only save yourself. Maybe I'll try turning my phone off for days.. i hear that's liberating. As if I don't already have enough going on up in my swollen brain I now have to try and cram Middle English from the 15th century up there. Who knows where it will fit..but I suppose it must be done.

The only answer that could make any sense at all is that I'm crazy. Just plain crazy.

Done

I'm done done done done done. I'm tired..no exhausted. I'm throwing you as far as I can with both hands and the energy of an exploding soul. I'm cutting my hair. I'm painting my fingernails, and I'm shrugging off whatever words you left behind. They were all lies anyway. So that's it. I will not waste one more minute of my day wishing, or thinking, or embracing this feeling because it's worthless. I'm exhausting myself with the same sob story and its really time to break the cycle.

If running from your problems was an olympic sport I'd be a gold medalist.

I will stop this.

I will face my problems head on, because I'm strong enough.

I will no longer lower my eyes or put my head down because its what you want.

That's not who I am.

I'm opinionated, and like to vocalize.

My opinions aren't set in stone, they change.. almost daily in fact.

I'm independent.

And just because I have a strong soul doesn't mean I'm femininst.

I believe in family and I want to be a mother more than anything.

I can not be forced.

I hate your laptop and everything associated with it.

I hate your stupid smile.

Never again will I let someone tell me what I think.

That's it.. I'm done.

Here It Comes...Again

She lay flat on her back, white pillows cushioning her head, so heavy with the thoughts of a million memories marching in dramatic circles through the devastated battlefield of her brain.
Her dark hair displayed against the whiteness, like a stain. Proof of her inability to conform.
Her body encased by the fluffiest cloud of blankets, supporting, holding her from sinking straight through the bed and drowning in her own self-loathing.
The darkness of the room doesn't try hard enough to seep into her white skin. Skin that is white as the sheets beneath her. She has no scars, not on the outside atleast. The resting place her soul has chosen is a master of deception.
Her eyes, large, rimmed with lashes that were built for battle. Protection for the only windows she has. Pupils that stretch trying to suck in as much life as they can. Tears fall. Leaving invisible trails down her soft cheeks. Each tear containing a hope or a wish that has lost its will to be discovered.
How has this happened? What combination of force, pressure, flattery, and iron strength will did it take to bury her glow? How many colors will she have to paint before she remembers the one she was born with? Why are they trying so hard to extinguish her?

Something I've Realized

Inspiration comes from all sorts of different places..
For me, I've discovered that my best writing is born from the greatest pain and sadness..
Which explains why I've had a lack of inspiration these past few weeks
I'm happy.
I'm home, with my family... enjoying life.
I have fewer worries and more support
I've had the chance to put my priorities back in order and it feels great!
And while all of those things are good, I feel a small amount of disappointment that I've quit writing.
My next goal: Find sources of inspiration through happiness, peace and real love.

"Others dwelt here before you were; and others will dwell here again when you are no more. The wide world is all about you: you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot for ever fence it out."

-Lord of the Rings

Concerning Men

Due to my recent and not so recent history I've concluded that my current game plan concerning men sucks.

Which leads me to believe that something drastic must be done.

I need to take a very long hiatus from interacting o

n a personal basis with the opposite sex.

Long enough to get my head straight

My standards higher

And my trust in a 'good' man back.

So.. Friends.

Not friends with...

Just friends.

For a while.

i'm going to take these four months

This summer is going to be a summer of healing.

Healing an abused heart,

A bruised sense of self worth.

Healing of broken dreams,

And unfulfilled wishes.

Healing of forgotten friendships,

And the damage of spending too many days and nights alone.

Glorious sun shine your rays and heal this battered soul.

Early In the Morning

I guess I kind of have a thing for the Irish singers...

Maybe it started with Jonathan Rhys Meyers in August Rush

It continued with The Script

And now I'm head over heels for James Vincent Mcmorrow.

He's speaking my soul these days.

His first album Early In the Morning just came out in February.

It was self played and self produced, with one mic, in a house by the sea.

He's a true artist. A musician trying to find his way through the

words he writes. Looking to make some sort of sense out of this noise we call our lives.

He's gonna be a forever favorite..I know it. Check out his website.. www.jamesvmcmorrow.com

My favorite song is "We Don't Eat" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMN8qbhHRn4

Play It Again, Salmonella

...I carried white lies so far they changed

colors, I held tantrums in my pocket

a long time, before I actually threw them.

I was born with dynamite in my chest.

Some days I wish the real me would would stand up

and shout table for ten, por favor!

I'm an emotional cripple, putting

his best crutch forward. My heart is a child

clutching his breath underwater. I know

these buttons don't control anything

but I push them anyway and pretend.

I'm a card carrying member of a canceled party...

-Jeffrey McDaniel

You Never Had Control

There are some men in this world that take your breath away simply because they exist.

Their smiles like blue sky and sunshine.

Eyes like a library. Quiet and dark. Comforting and full of interesting thoughts waiting to be learned.

Hands that make your heart cry because they forgot the precious cargo they're carrying.

They're beautiful.

But the thought of them doesn't bring a smile.

They feel more like cold rain without a jacket. A silly mistake.

They resemble driving a car too fast around a gravel corner. Out of control.

But then again.. with these men...you never had control.

Why so black? I need white. I need yellow and red and green, I need blue and orange and brown. I need the colors of life...proof that there's more in this world than just me and the t.v

Here's to Hoping

You're out there right?

Maybe you're watching your favorite movie or

Out partying with friends.

Maybe you're studying for a big test or

Reading a book.

Maybe you're listening to that song that's all yours

or working on your next painting, sculpture, or lyrics.

Maybe you're working late

Or finishing up some homework.

Maybe you're talking on the phone...

Or holding the wrong girl.

She's the right girl for someone but not for you...

Because she's not me.

Wherever you are, whatever

your doing...

please let the experiences you're having now prepare you to help make the most wonderful us.

I could wait for you for a thousand years.

As long as I knew that there'd be a

you.

You're out there right?

How about...

Today after falling into bed after work, I was contemplating my seemingly dull life. Here it is...a Friday night... the apartment is empty. Not completely empty.. loneliness threatens to fill the corners of my bedroom, leaving little notes behind that say "Why aren't you out with friends?" " Why hasn't anyone called you?" "Wish someone wanted to spend time with you."

One of my new years resolutions was to be okay with being alone. So I've slowly been building up my immunity to loneliness. So to combat my negative notes I picked up my favorite book. My to do list :) I flipped through it, reading a little here and there just like I do every day, but this line caught my attention. It said

"Remember that tomorrow is never promised to you"

As I lay there, staring at the ceiling, hoping to find the answers to my questions amongst the paint and texture... I thought... What would I do today if I knew it was my last day? For the statement is true. Tomorrow is never promised to anyone.

I definitely wouldn't spend it feeling sorry for myself, or laying in bed. While pondering this notion, I was seized by the most amazing feeling in the whole world.

An excitement for life and,

A joy in the life I'm living

That's what I've forgotten. I think so many of us have forgotten. It's easy to fall into routine, to an acceptance, and endurance to the lives we're living. It's almost as if our only goal is to survive through our own lives. And maybe sometimes, when the pressures are too many and too great, that's all we can do. Hold on for dear life and hope we're strong enough to not let ourselves fall. And I think that it's okay to be that way sometimes.

But the really cool thing is, we write our own story. Is mine an adventure? A romance? Is it a story of my regrets? My dreams? A mystery? I can make it whatever I want it to be. Maybe it'll be a little bit of everything.

I know that there will be days when I'll feel lonely, forgotten, unpopular, simple, not enough, invisible, miniscule, and unimportant. But on those days, I'll remember how incredibly blessed I am that I can decide my own life. If there's something I don't like, I can change it! It's time for me to stop dreaming my life and start living my dreams. We should all try to rediscover that joy for living, that excitement for the unknown, that we innately possessed as children. Instead of merely going through the motions of the life we think we're stuck in and enduring through... Let's make our lives ones that we're proud to live... Lives that if tomorrow were our last, we'd be able to look back and grin with one of those 'I'm-just-so-happy-I-can't-help-but-smile" smiles, and we'd be able to turn to our Father and say "Look what I did!"

From now on that's how I'm going to try and live. With joy no matter what. With excitement for the next day. With hope and anticipation and the biggest of smiles. Our lives are too short, why waste our days?

I Shall Love Mine Yet

" I shall love mine yet; and take him with me - he's in my soul. The thing that irks me most is this shattered prison, after all. I'm tired, tired of being enclosed here. I'm wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there; not seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart; but really with it, and in it. -Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte

All My Thoughts

I believe in the dreams I dream while sleeping. They always mean something.
This is a text I sent myself in the middle of the night several nights ago...

"I changed the hearts to stars so he wouldn't know...I did it again just for him even though I knew. I saw a love story and dreamt again. This time was different. It meant the future."

I know exactly what this means.

Just a few nights ago.. I dreamt that

As I sat in a room full of people, opposite the only one I could see.. I said " I'm done. I pull out of this game." He said "Once you're in, you can't pull out" My response was to shake my head, look him in his eyes and say "I'm all done." Then I left.

The cool thing was. I meant it.

And then there's tonight.

"I'm sick of people telling me what to do. My business is mine. Back out. Leave me alone. I want no more with your expectations and controlling ways.. Push here a little, twist there a little. Sorry but I already graduated high school."