Letter to the Very Nice but so Not Right

Dear Boy, (I'm sorry but that's what you are)

I don't like the way you smell,

or the way you dress.

I don't like your job,

or the way you talk.

I don't like the way you act around me,

or the way you act around your friends.

I don't like anything about you really.

And it's not because I don't like you as a person...no that's not it at all. You're great I'm sure. It's just I don't like you because you're wrong. So very very wrong for me. You were probably very right for me some time ago.. yes, my 19 year old self would have swooned at the attention. But not this me. This me knows what she wants and I'm sorry.. you're just not it. And, actually I don't think we should hang out again, of course we'll see each other, we have to. But please don't be nice to me, and don't stare as I walk by. And I won't talk to you, or smile at you. It might be better if we pretended we didn't know each other at all. I know this probably comes off as terribly rude, I just don't want there to be any confusion later on or mixed signals or anything like that. So, this is goodbye. Thanks for everything, really.

Sincerely,

Just-not-interested-no-matter-how-hard-I-try

Because

It's because I can't keep my room clean

Because I can't stop watching Grey's Anatomy,

It's because I have this thing inside me,

This thing that I'm now apart of

Because that thing is cozy now,

Where once it was lonely.

It's because none of my clothes fit,

and I don't like them anyway

It's because of this ache,

That is so incredibly difficult

It's because effortless beauty is lost

Because I don't know how to get it back.

It's because of this energy,

Because of this anger.

It's because of these friendships,

Because of our pain

It's this adventure,

That doesn't seem so very exciting at times,

This ride,

That sometimes seems more scary than fun,

It's this thing,

This thing inside of me

That I just don't know what to do with.

maybe.

Maybe I was only meant for a friend or two.

Maybe I was only made with a little bit of compromise.

Maybe I was built for a different life.

Or maybe the life I'm building should be different.

Maybe I'm a gypsy.

And maybe that's okay.

So far, since I turned 18 I've been in a state of perpetually in-between.

I'm in-between spontaneous and prepared.

In-between what I want to do, and what I know I should do.

I'm learning that this constant state of in-between..is a stagnant place.

I've neither done what I wanted, or done what I know I should.

Just sort of lived. Floating along.

On this particular gloomy morning. After some much needed time spent in the sun.

I'm leaning towards do what I want.

What I should is boring.

So I'll work hard. Save my money.

Use the free I've been given and take a few classes.

And in 6 months time. I'll have a new plan and a new place.

Just you wait and see.

I'm only living the best from now on.

If you're out there.. somewhere.. reading this.

Know that I'm happy for you.

Know that just like I always did

I only wish the best the world has to offer for you.

Know that all of the hurt is gone.

And that even though the hurt is gone

I will never forget how it felt.

Know that I've forgotten the fights, and tears

the silent days, and the hurtful words

And when I think of us,

I think of the laughter,

the late nights spent on the couch testing boundaries.

The soft kisses, and lazy days.

Know that you got my heart racing,

and my blood pumping like very few before you.

And our first kiss, is still my favorite kiss.

Know that there are many things I love about you

And if the timing had been different,

maybe we would have lasted for eternity.

But you should also know...

You're the only thing I regret.

And if I could go back and do it over again

I wouldn't choose you twice.

Apple Trees

My roommate sent this to me and I kinda liked it..

Girls are like

apples on trees. The best

ones are at the top of the tree.

The boys don't want to reach for

the good ones because they are afraid

of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they

just get the rotten apples from the ground

that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples

at the top think something is wrong with

them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right

boy to come along, the one

who's brave enough

to climb

all the way

to the top

of the tree.

I've Made Up My Mind.. and I'm sticking to it

Remember this post?

Well.. I've finally made my decision and that's it.

I will not change my mind.

I will push through this decision, even if it's hard, even if there are boys (there's always boys) and even if I hate my living arrangements.

I will not leave until I'm done.

(Unless a bolt of lightning strikes me in my chest.. touches my heart and inspires me to pick up and start over...again)

Culinary Arts Program.

The French Pastry School.

My Own Bakery/Bookstore.

And it will look like this.

And I will bake these.

Where To Next?

I can feel myself getting restless.

And only 3 months in this place.

Just learn how to be happy where you are some might say

I am happy where I am.

But not content, never content.

And that's not always a fun feeling.

They Only Kill Their Masters

I recently got a job at a breeding and training kennel called Family Dobes. It's tons of fun and I absolutely love it. I can't think of any job more enjoyable than playing with puppies all day :) Below is a copy of the blog post I wrote for the website. familydobes.com

I haven't been working at Family Dobes for too long, but I finally feel like I'm getting into the swing of things.Their personalities are becoming more clear to me and I'm just beginning to recognize whose bark belongs to who. I've been practicing my mothering skills on Medeia's puppies over the past few weeks and I almost feel like an empty nester now that so many of them are grown up (enough) and gone. But I do have Lavinia's impending litter to look forward to, (I'm sure she can't wait either) should be any day now.

Today was a pretty normal day excluding the fact that there was training going on in the front field which always induces widespread anxious/excited/pick-me-next barking. But we made it through with little to no trouble. The puppies that are left never fail to provide endless entertainment with their little adventures and quizzical looks when I talk to them in the baby voice I only use when no one's around. Zenny and Medeia continue to impress me with their good looks and one of these days I want to see Texa in action. She lives to work, there's no doubt about it.

These are pictures of Medeia, my favorite female (who's puppies are now almost all gone) and a couple of her sweet babies, and the fourth one is Lavina who's puppies are due today!

I'm Feeling Free

There are mornings, as I lay in my perfectly cozy bed in my tiny basement room, when the inspiring realization sinks into me that this is my life. My very own. I can make it whatever I choose.

There needn't be a preconceived notion that my life should follow the tracks laid before me.

I have the skills, and am fully able to pave my own way. New roads, undiscovered scenery, small towns, big cities, all waiting for some new life to discover them.

Just because I was born and raised on the west coast doesn't mean I can't make a home in the east.

I have a short time that was allotted to me, and wouldn't it be such a shame to waste even one of those days?

Every day we must live our lives as the people we hope to be. Simply surviving each day won't help us along our way. And I am deeply grateful that I have been given the opportunities and the good fortune to be able to choose the life I wish to lead.

We have been given so many opportunities in this world, so many different ways to become great people, I want to go out and find the best place for me.

Beautiful Days

It was a softly warm day, and the smooth fabric of her pale yellow sun dress felt cool against her skin. Her bare feet squishing into the luxurious carpet as she moved towards the piano.

This old piano, with the dark wood and gold lettering. Worn ivory keys yellowing from age.

This piano she had filled with her hope, her future, her sorrow, frustration, and even anger.

Her love and passion.

She remembered the tears she'd dropped on the keys as she played, her fingers brushing them away as the beautiful melodies strung along behind her.

Each feeling passing through her delicate fingers into the keys of this old piano.

She sat down on the familiar bench. She'd spent hours on this bench, it had been given to her by an old piano teacher in exchange for walking the woman's dog.

She gently placed her fingertips on the worn keys.

It had been years since she'd seen this piano.

Years since she'd even made music.

But her beautiful hands remembered, and she began to play.

Quiet and hesitantly she began to play.

It was intoxicating

Each note filled the room, one after the other and she began to forget.

Forget the cumulative hours she sat stubbornly in front of this piano refusing to practice another minute. She began to forget the words of her parents about how she was wasting her talent, and all the times she'd lied about her practice hours to her teacher.

She forgot all those nights when she wasn't allowed to go to high school football games or the movies because she hadn't practiced that day. And as she played she began to remember.

Remember why she loved the piano and why she started playing in the first place.

She remembered how she loved the way the music flowed through her, and what it felt like to create something beautiful.

Her fingers and wrists settled in and relished the familiar movement.

This bench and this piano felt more like home than any of the many houses she'd grown up in.

Throughout her turbulent life, this piano remained.

And she loved it.

And even still, the flowing melody of piano music stirs in her soul a sweet longing for days past, and a new hope for days still to come.

Mornings When Visions of the Future Are What You Wake Up To

I want to feel nothing but the reverberating bass in my chest and I want to dance with it

I want to sing until my throat hurts and my voice has left me

I want to see the turquoise water and the white sandy beaches on the coast of Samoa,

I want to take in the beauty of this world. All of it.

I want to hear the laughter of those I love and smile at their joy.

I want to inspire action, and facilitate change.

I want to play the piano as if the love for the instrument hadn't been practiced out of me.

I want to read. Escape to worlds long past, and worlds far future.

I want to haggle for pricing at a market in a

foreign language.

I want a cottage as my home.

A home that is always open.

With a garden outside my window.

With a few dogs and a few kids having adventures in the back yard.

With a kitchen always full

Full of sunshine, wonderful food, chatter and stories.

I want a husband.

A husband who will smile and kiss me.

I want peaceful nights, and early mornings.

I want my wounds to heal

and to find a place where I won't get any more.

I want to forget.

Forget about everything except for what I learned.

I want to create.

I want to live in my swimsuit and work at a surf shop

I want to be in the sun, and warm water

I want to meet a million people and always be close to my best friend

I want to go out every night

to bonfires on the beach

and clubs and hole-in-the-wall pubs.

I want my skin to tan.

I want to feel.

I want to live life the best I can.

I want to take advantage of the time that's been given.

I want...

Jar of Hearts

Once in a blue moon, I'll hear a song. A song that when it plays I think to myself..

I could have easily written that. Not for the simplicity of lyrics, or the repetitiveness of melody..

but because those are the words my heart has been searching for.

The ones that if I had known how to express my feelings they are the words I would have used.

And in that exact order.

Some songs have a powerful message.

Some have a beautiful melody.

Some have lyrics that are soothing to your soul.

And even more just make you want to dance.

It is a rare thing, to find a song that carries all of these qualities.

This song. Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri.

She knows. Because I couldn't have said it better myself.

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

Yes It Hurts

Yes I do. Every single day. And yes. It hurts.

She wrote in her notebook.

She wasn't quite sure what to do with this weight she'd been carrying.

A heartache that couldn't be soothed.

She was finding it harder and harder to keep herself pulled together.

Tears leaving trails down her cheeks when she drove to work in the morning,

before she fell asleep at night,

and inexplicably many times while checking her email.

She looked up from her writing and breathed deeply.

Softly closed her eyes and imagined a different girl.

A different life.

She knew when she opened her eyes,

that everything would be the same.

And that hurt too.

Yes I do. Every single day. And yes. It hurts.

3rd Fun Thing and El Salvador

So, the third fun thing this year was (surprisingly) the Super Bowl! Laura and I made a super bowl cake which I'm very proud of :)

We enjoyed the super bowl with an apartment full of friends, purple drink, and queso. Go Packers!

Next on my life "to do" list is visit another country on a humanitarian trip. I was recently accepted into the HELP International program in El Salvador and I leave in May! I'm really excited for this opportunity to help build up the community in San Salvador and make a lasting difference in the lives of the people there.

To document my preparations and my trip I've created another blog called Adventures in Republica de El Salvador. The url is brittselsalvador.blogspot.com. It's in the making right now, but visit when you get the chance and I'd love to keep you all updated!

My room mate and I started P90X this past week, and I'm definitely feeling the effects. But it feels really good to be exercising. I can't wait until I feel strong and healthy. Beginning of week 2 starts tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Tourists in Hawaii

So, the Sundance Film Festival before mentioned in a previous post was a magnificent combination of standing in line for hours on end and roaming main street openly searching for celebrities. Unfortunately none of which decided to make an appearance. Needless to say it was a lot of fun, and I can't wait to do it again next year.

On Saturday Laura and I were invited to a very large party themed as a luau. The invitation encouraged everyone to dress up. So we had this genius idea of transforming ourselves into 45-year-old-recently-divorced-traveling-for-the-first-time-to-a-foreign-land tourists. We went to the local goodwill, and found our perfect outfits. We were the subject of a good many quizzical looks and a fair amount of full out belly laughs. It was a good night.

Nakate

I recently read a post on or-so-i-feel.blogspot.com and I was deeply moved by the message I read there. It speaks of a people who are impoverished and suffering from the debilitating disease AIDS in the small town of Kakooge located in Eastern Africa. These people not only must struggle for their own survival and the welfare of their children every single day but they are severely weakened by the disease that they carry.

A small group of women who have traveled to Africa put together a project called "Nakate" to help these women have the ability to provide for their families. How it works is they purchase handmade jewelry from women suffering with AIDS and sell it in the United States, then they return the money to the women and help invest in their businesses.

It doesn't take piles of money or countless hours of volunteer work to help make someone else's life a little better. We must all help each other and this is a beautiful way to serve another. The photos shown above are taken from the website. Take just a minute and check it out. See what you can do to help. www.nakateproject.com

Update

And after 5 months spent crying, searching, emailing, dropping off resumes, and praying I finally got a job.

It feels really good to be making some money again.

I'm a little bit concerned. One of my new year's resolutions was to wash my face every single night, and I'm proud to say that we're 3 weeks into 2011 and I'm still going strong. However, my face isn't really clearing up any. Everyone pray that I don't have a case of adult acne.

I'm excited for this year! I have a renewed commitment to do like a million fun things and the first one takes place this weekend. I'm going to the Sundance Film Festival! It should be a really good time. Hopefully I see some awesome movies and I wouldn't mind seeing a few celebrities either.

rome wasn't built in a day

Finding my way back is really hard.

I feel it every day. It settles over me every morning as I stumble out of bed and shuffle to the bathroom. It gazes at me as I sleepily look in the mirror trying to remember who that girl is.. or who she used to be at least. A constant rearranging of thoughts. A trickle of encouraging words and phrases to try and heal all those wounds. It follows me.. all day. Bullying me into silence, occassionally herding me into the confines of a novel.. or enticing me to watch television brainlessly. I'm tired. I'm tired of this fight. I'm tired of feeling weak. I'm tired of expending all of my energy on just trying to feel normal for once.

I don't feel hatred. Because I know there's enough of that already. I hurt though.. all the time. I pray every night and I hope it helps. I've found in myself a deep sadness for all the forgotten potential of the people of this world, a heart-felt compassion for those who are lost. I carry that with me. A piece was taken and this sadness is what replaced it. I'm still searching for joy.

One thing I learned today. There is hope. God knows. He will help.