I'm not even that busy

Life kidnapped me and is running away this week.
My brain is moving so much faster than the rest of my body.
I'm such a 'why' person.. I just need to know.
Sometimes I feel like my heart and mind are fighting...not just like a little tug-o-war, or a scrimmage where really they're on the same side it's just practice.. not even a battle.. a full fledged war with lots at stake.
I know that you can only think of one thing at a time.. but it's pretty amazing how quickly you can think of each of those things.
Sleep is a cure-all...so is water
Remember that war that's going on..? I think that wherever desire comes from is also involved.
Attraction is so bittersweet..

I'm Not..

I'm not the kind of girl that never regrets what she's done..

I don't always say what I mean...and sometimes I say the exact opposite of how I feel.

I'm not the kind of girl that stays up late and parties...

I'd rather stay at home, order take out, and watch a movie.

I'm not the kind of girl that remembers the important things...

Sometimes I forget.. not on purpose.. but I promise never to forget to love you

I'm not the kind of girl that does one-night stands...I don't think

I like life a little messy... as long as you're there to help me clean it up

I'm just an artist...I'm not misunderstood or overlooked...but doesn't pain create the most beautiful things?

I hurt...all the time...but it's mostly a very dull ache in the furthest back corner of my heart...it will go away someday...I think

I always think...my brain doesn't turn off.

I'm the kind of girl that dreams

Sometimes I'm afraid...of everything

Sometimes I don't feel fear

I'm composed of maybe's, when I'm in the right moods, and sometimes'.

I'm not the kind of girl that's consisent... but I'm stable.

I may not be the kind of girl that's right...but I want to be your kind of girl, and only your kind.

Maybe that's why you're so hard to find.

I cant be any different than I am..I can't even pretend..if I try my mouth opens and tells the truth.

I'm a good liar. I'm an actress. I like to put on a show. But you'll always know. Someday..or maybe the first day.. you'll be able to look at my eyes and know.

I'm not that kind of girl. I just thought you should know.

Rain

Her alarm rings and she sighs.. she doesn't want to open these tired eyes of hers

She's not ready for the world. In the night her dreams wrap around her and protect her from uncomfortable reality. Life. She's comfortable.

She gets out of bed and stumble walks to the bathroom where she strips off her clothes, avoids the mirror, and steps into the shower. It's like rain, pelting rain.

She smears on the makeup that she's supposed to wear. The kind that makes her eyes look bigger, more beautiful. They're just average without the world.

The shadow, the crease, the bone, the curve, the color.

Her hair is growing and straight, she pulls it back. Pushes and shoves, twists and pokes until it's all hidden beneath the hairband. Perfectly hidden.

She doesn't eat, the food doesn't satisfy her clothing. She's tired of her unhappy clothes.

She's finished. One hour. She's ready.

The forgotten girl steps outside to conquer the forgetting world. It's raining.

Blue, grey, soft, damp, cool.

She stands in the empty space as the rain fixes everything that's wrong.

She's dreaming in real life. Head tilted slightly back, arms dangling. The rain touches her face and wipes away each color and line. It drips down her face, melts until her skin is smooth, bare, white. Her eyes are closed, beautiful.

The rain strokes her hair, pulls it, strands fall and hang until her hair is free. Not hiding. Hanging unashamed, happy raindrops leaving the ends.

This fulfills her. Finishes. Completes. She is herself, it won't let her be anything else.

This rain is hers.

All the things I'd say

I just want you to know..

I've had the wind knocked out of me but never the hurricane

I wish slitting the wrist of the clock would let this moment last forever

I just want to be okay

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part

So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape

You've touched these tired eyes of mine

You deserve a smile with no regret

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

I'm scared

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there

I survive on the breath you're finished with

I may not have the softest touch

I may not say the words as such

And though I don't fit in that much

I'm yours.

Today

I'm on a Jeffrey McDaniel kick right now.. I bought his book "the forgiveness parade" a while ago and each time I pick it up I realize how much I love it :) He definitely has a way with words.. and I'm feeling poetic today and yesterday and the day before... and probably for awhile in the future. All of these lines from his book.. describe how I feel today.

I held tantrums in my pocket a long time before I actually threw them.

I was born with dynamite in my chest.

I know these buttons don't conrol anything but I push them anyway and pretend.

I know it's stupid to not own a gun yet have so many triggers.

Here We Go Again

It's happening again. And I hate it.Why did this have to be my particularly strong weakness?

Will I ever overcome this substanstial hurdle or am I doomed to fail every time?

"There's a field where I grow only bruises, inner gnawing, and heartache."

-Jeffrey McDaniel

"Consequence was a planet whose orbit we couldn't respect"

-Jeffrey McDaniel

Always Learning

So.. I learned something new last night..
Well.. it wasn't so much that I learned it for the first time.. mostly I just realized it..
When you work in the food business.. for example a restaurant.
Don't fall in love with any of of the waiters..

They're paid to be charming

Doubt

Sometimes I stress about.. what to post on my blog. I want something insightful, fun, interesting..etc. But.. I'm beginning to realize that this blog is more for me than it is for anyone else. It's a way for me to say what I think.. a creative outlet. Tonight I feel.. kind of like this monologue from the famous play and now movie Doubt by John Patrick Shanley.

What do you do when you're not sure? That's the topic of my sermon today.

Last year, when President Kennedy was assasinated, who among us did not experience the most profound disorientation. Despair?

Which way? What now?

What do I say to my kids? What do I tell myself? It was a time of people sitting together, bound together by a common feeling of hopelessness.

But think of that! You're BOND with your fellow being was your Despair.

It was a public experience. It was awful but we were in it together.

How much worse is it then for the lone man, the lone woman stricken by a private calamity?

No one knows I'm sick

No one knows I've lost my last real friend

No one knows I've done something wrong. Imagine the isolation. Now you see the world as through a window. On one side of the glass: happy untroubled people, and on the other side: you.

I want to tell you a story

A cargo ship sank one night. It caught fire and went down. And only this one sailor survived. He found a lifeboat, rigged a sail...and being of a nautical discipline...turned his eyes to the Heavens and read the stars. He set a course towards home and exhausted fell asleep. Clouds rolled in. And for the next twenty nights, he could no longer see the stars. He thought he was on course, but there was no way to be certain. And as the days rolled on, and the sailor wasted away, he began to have doubts. Had he set his course right? Was he still going on towards his home? Or was he horribly lost and doomed to a terrible death? No way to know. The message of the constellations - had he imagined it because of his desperate circumstance? Or had he seen truth once and now had to hold on to it without further reassurance?

There are those of you in church today who know exactly the crisis of faith I describe. And I want to say to you. Doubt can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost. You are not alone.

We all have doubts in our lives. Something I have to remind myself of often is the saying:

"It'll all work out in the end, and if it doesn't work out, it's not the end"