The longer you take to decide, the more painful this becomes. I can not stop loving you. Which makes this undeniable feeling deep in my middle unbearable. To think that after all this waiting, I will be the one left disappointed. I would never say you're not worth the wait. I'm saying I won't do it anymore. And when I think about it, I shouldn't have to. Don't I deserve to be loved with all of a heart? Why must I settle for being loved by only part of one? I had big dreams and high hopes for us, and it feels nearly impossible to let those go. But all this time I've been yours, you've never been mine. And knowing that hurts worse than letting go of whatever future we might have had. So I'm letting go. Because the decision is too hard for you to make, I will make it for you. I love you. Maybe someday we can try again.

Goodbye

Goodbyes have never been especially difficult for me. I have always thought that there's no use being sad over what's left behind, because there are always more exciting things ahead. I don't cry, and I always sort of wonder at people who do. Goodbyes have been easy for me.

Except for this goodbye. This one has been extraordinarily sad. And I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

I'm crying, and I can't even stop. Maybe it's because this thing we had was just getting started and I'm not ready to let go, or maybe it's because I've become comfortable and this change seems a little scary. I'm not the type to be scared of the unknown but to be honest, I'm a little nervous.

I've come to depend on you, and knowing that you won't be there and that we might never have these moments again is terrifyingly heart-breaking. I know I'll be fine, and maybe I'm a little over dramatic but I'm going to feel this ache and hold it for tonight, so that tomorrow I can remember all the good we had. I'll miss you.. like crazy.

"It is not true we only have one life to love, if we can read, we can live as many lives and as many kinds of lives as we wish"
-S.I. Hayakawa

" To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all of the miseries of life"
-William Somerset Maugham

" If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

-Johnny Depp

And just like many times before I can let you go and move on. Remember my old dreams and move towards them alone. And while I do love you, love you with an ache that pulls me towards you in the toughest times, I know in the deepest part of my heart that these are fleeting moments. Moments that are beautiful and healing but that are not meant to last. And of all the things I've learned the most important is to trust myself. So I must let you go now. Find your own dreams but don't forget that I so deeply wanted you to be a part of mine. You have a beautiful heart and a quick mind, perfect humor and a gentle touch. So we will part and I will smile, because I needed you.. and I think you needed me too.

Letter to the Very Nice but so Not Right

Dear Boy, (I'm sorry but that's what you are)

I don't like the way you smell,

or the way you dress.

I don't like your job,

or the way you talk.

I don't like the way you act around me,

or the way you act around your friends.

I don't like anything about you really.

And it's not because I don't like you as a person...no that's not it at all. You're great I'm sure. It's just I don't like you because you're wrong. So very very wrong for me. You were probably very right for me some time ago.. yes, my 19 year old self would have swooned at the attention. But not this me. This me knows what she wants and I'm sorry.. you're just not it. And, actually I don't think we should hang out again, of course we'll see each other, we have to. But please don't be nice to me, and don't stare as I walk by. And I won't talk to you, or smile at you. It might be better if we pretended we didn't know each other at all. I know this probably comes off as terribly rude, I just don't want there to be any confusion later on or mixed signals or anything like that. So, this is goodbye. Thanks for everything, really.

Sincerely,

Just-not-interested-no-matter-how-hard-I-try