Love is Issun

So.. as of late my muse has, in a way, left me to my own. I think that somehow muse might be related to romance.. maybe I can't have one without the other. In light of my situation I will merely document.

My Halloween night was highly uneventful. I went to work, came home and went to bed. That's the end of that story.

This is the most exciting part of my Halloween day however.. It goes like this:

Jess, Ana and I decided to take a trip to the Humane Society to look for a dog for Jess's boyfriend. We looked and looked and found so many wonderful dogs and puppies. We fell in love with the most amazing little golden lab as well as an adult pit bull named Princess. We called the landlord and asked ever so politely if they would mind if we got a dog. To my astonishment they acquiesed. We were half way there! Now we just needed to decided which one we wanted.

We decided to take a break from deciding and visit the kittens. We played and cuddled and oohed and ahhed.

Then

One of the shelter managers walked in carrying the tiniest kitten I've ever beheld..and said "Can some one please take this kitten?" Which actually was a kind of funny statement considering we three were the only ones present in the room.

Our concerned and questioning faces must have registed quite visibly to the woman because she went on to explain that the shelter was over capacity for kittens and that this one was going to need special attention that the shelter didn't have time (due to their over capacity numbers) to take care of.

We looked at each other... and after a second the decision was made. We'd take the little guy.

We now have a 4th member of our little family. His name is Issun. It's japanese for "little one inch" He's only 3 weeks old. Abandoned by his mother and left in a field. We have to bottle feed him every couple of hours, and clean him, and basically do everything for him because he's too little. But we love him. And I think we really did save a life. It's day number 4 with the little monster and he gets cuter every day.

I don't have my camera with me so below is a picture I found on the internet of what he pretty much looks like.

We just love him :) Even though he does need round the clock attention. :)

Where Might It Have Gone?

As of late.. I've experienced a lot of foreign emotions. Which is weird.. because I pretty much thought I'd felt them all.

But for the past few weeks I've been feeling tired...exhausted... of the love story.

I'm a romantic girl. I never tired of living vicariously through the beautiful love stories I saw in the movies.. smiling inwardly when I saw a couple cuddling, or holding hands, thinking about my future love, reading and talking about it. It seemed as though love, romance, and passion was the very oxygen I used to sustain my absolutely average life.

Now...

I'm tired of it.

I feel terrible sometimes for feeling this way. Almost as if I'm betraying my own nature.

I find myself avoiding romantic movies...reaching instead for action or (this is exceptionally distressing) documentaries.

I no longer smile at the couples..rather walk quickly by..ignoring their seemingly inconsiderate infatuation with each other.

Am I becoming bitter?

Please no..I'm still young.

I still find myself yearning for that someone. But I don't want to think about it, watch it, read it, or see it.

What is happening to me?

Maybe it's just a phase. After some good alone time, perhaps I will reunite with my romance.

It does feel weird to be separated from it.

You Might Want To Know

I think too much, and I overanalyze
I can't say things I want to
Sometimes I cry for no apparent reason
I need to watch movies alone every once in awhile
There are times when I want everything that is wrong for me
I love animals
I will get defensive if you say anything bad about any movies that Johnny Depp has been or will be in.
95% of my life is spent in sweats and a t-shirt
I need to be listened to.. even if I'm repeating myself
My food can't touch
I'm moody..
I hate feeling left out
Please text me back
I get grumpy when I'm tired
I compare myself to others more than I should
Sometimes I don't shave...for a long time
I was all in the moment we started...

She handed him the folded piece of paper, let out her breath, and looked him steadily in the eye. His confused expression made her want to smile cry. She put a small hand to his face and then walked away.
"He needs to know" she thought to herself. "He needs to know right now...before this goes any further, because if he finds out later.. and decides I'm not what he thought.. I'll never be able to let go. But if he knows now, maybe it will hurt less"
She had given him his ticket out, signed with her own signature. Now she just had to wait and see if he used it. Wait to see if he still loved her, wait to see if she was going to have to talk her way out of loving him, wait to see if this time would be different.
This girl.. is waiting.

Rain

Her alarm rings and she sighs.. she doesn't want to open these tired eyes of hers

She's not ready for the world. In the night her dreams wrap around her and protect her from uncomfortable reality. Life. She's comfortable.

She gets out of bed and stumble walks to the bathroom where she strips off her clothes, avoids the mirror, and steps into the shower. It's like rain, pelting rain.

She smears on the makeup that she's supposed to wear. The kind that makes her eyes look bigger, more beautiful. They're just average without the world.

The shadow, the crease, the bone, the curve, the color.

Her hair is growing and straight, she pulls it back. Pushes and shoves, twists and pokes until it's all hidden beneath the hairband. Perfectly hidden.

She doesn't eat, the food doesn't satisfy her clothing. She's tired of her unhappy clothes.

She's finished. One hour. She's ready.

The forgotten girl steps outside to conquer the forgetting world. It's raining.

Blue, grey, soft, damp, cool.

She stands in the empty space as the rain fixes everything that's wrong.

She's dreaming in real life. Head tilted slightly back, arms dangling. The rain touches her face and wipes away each color and line. It drips down her face, melts until her skin is smooth, bare, white. Her eyes are closed, beautiful.

The rain strokes her hair, pulls it, strands fall and hang until her hair is free. Not hiding. Hanging unashamed, happy raindrops leaving the ends.

This fulfills her. Finishes. Completes. She is herself, it won't let her be anything else.

This rain is hers.

All the things I'd say

I just want you to know..

I've had the wind knocked out of me but never the hurricane

I wish slitting the wrist of the clock would let this moment last forever

I just want to be okay

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part

So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape

You've touched these tired eyes of mine

You deserve a smile with no regret

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

I'm scared

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there

I survive on the breath you're finished with

I may not have the softest touch

I may not say the words as such

And though I don't fit in that much

I'm yours.

I Love French Actors

L'amour Dangereux

I just picked up an independent foreign film and popped it in the dvd player

I had no expectations of what the movie was about or what it would be like.

And.. honestly.. it wasn't that great.

There were some parts...if you know what I mean

And.. if I don't speak or understand the language does it matter how many F bombs were dropped?...confession the English subtitles were on.

Anyway

The two leads in this film.. I fell in love with them both.

Jennifer Decker

Nicolas Cazale

Both French actors..

It definitely helps that I love the french language so everytime they spoke I was completely enthralled..

I'd really like to see them in some other films.. I think it's pretty cool that there's like this whole other world filled with actors and actresses that we've never even heard of.

I've gotta watch more foreign films.

There's No Place Like Home..

My family picked me up at the airport yesterday and it was like the happiness just melted into all the corners of my soul. It's such a comfortable feeling. These people absolutely love me no matter what. It didn't matter that I had missed my bus at 4:30 in the morning because I woke up late, so I looked like I just came out from underneath a bridge.

They were so happy to see me they didn't even notice that I smelled bad, I've gained 10 pounds since the last time they saw me and I was still wearing yesterdays makeup. :)

We left from the airport to go on vacation. It has been so nice, to relax and love and be loved by the people you care about the most. We've laughed our heads off, argued a little bit, and done a lot of incredibly fun things together already.. I love my family, with all my heart. Wherever my family is, is where my home is, and there's no place like it.

She Did It

It got me thinking, that show I woke up to. It's called 16 and Pregnant. What started out as sleepy nonchalance soon turned into avid interest. This young girl's life. Not in school. Doctor's appointments. Fights with her mother. Baby Showers. Giving birth at 17 years old. A world completely apart from own. But not so different from my moms.

She did it. She became an adult at 16 years old. The at-home studying to graduate high school. The doctor's appointments. The fights with her parents. Being at home alone, anticipating. The birth. My life.

My Mom.. is amazing. Watching this show made me realize how much my Mom sacrificed so that I could have the best life she could give me. I have massive amounts of respect for her. More than I could ever say. I love you.

And We Will..

I will:

Laugh at your jokes

Be proud of you

Always stay faithful

Love you

You will:

Kiss me when you come home from work

Kill spiders

Open tight jars

Reach the shelves I can't

And we will..

Promise to always work it out

Love eachother forever

Still hold hands when we're 92

And live happily ever after

All I ask, is that you love me in spite of all my bad habits, that you still want to be with me even when it's tough, and that you'll always be proud of our life together.. I'll wait

Transformers 2!!!

okay.. so I just went and saw Transformers 2 and it reaffirmed my love for Shia Labeauf.. I highly recommend it. It's pretty darn intense. One of my new favorite movies.

My Dad

At this point my dad is the most important man in my life. I love him more than anything. I can't remember a single time in my life where my dad wasn't there for me when I needed him. He's not only my dad, he's one of the most amazing men I've ever had the chance to know. The circumstances under which I was born put an incredible amount of pressure on my young father, and no one would have been surprised if he had fallen and gone the way most teenage fathers go. But he didn't. My dad worked incredibly hard, and pulled through to be the best dad a girl could ever want.

Reasons why I love my dad:

• He's interested in my life, he really cares about me: My favorite thing is how my dad will call from work just to ask how I'm doing and to tell me he misses me.
• He gives the best hugs: I feel incredibly loved and safe when my dad pulls me into a hug. I never feel too old to cuddle up to my dad.
• He always has good advice: It doesn't seem to matter what my problem is my dad always knows the answer.
• He's proud of me: Even though I'm not exactly where I'd hoped to be at this time in my life, I know my dad is always proud of me. He believes in me, and he never seems to have any doubt about the things I can accomplish.
• He's always there: From spending hours with me and my brother out with our sheep, not to mention an entire day at lamb show, to coming to every single one of my piano recitals my dad is always there. He'd never miss it, no matter what. He's always willing to drop whatever and help with homework or talk.

Basically my dad is the best. It's been said that the first man a girl falls in love with is her dad, and that is definitely true for me. Someday when I grow up, I want to marry a man just like my dad.

Happy Father's Day!!

Be Yourself by Audioslave

So I was thinking today... what does it mean to love yourself?

What does that feel like? Is it that feeling you get when you put on a new outfit and you're pretty darn sure you look way better than normal? Or is it recognizing that you have way too many quirks and faults and then realizing that you're okay with it? Maybe it's just not hating yourself..

Sometimes I feel like a tourist in my own mind, wandering around with my little fanny pack and sunglasses looking excitedly at everything and taking little snapshots of the most random thoughts and ideas that are bouncing around. Other times I feel like an 85 year old who's spent the last 50 years in the same libary.. knowing exactly where everything is and what's inside each little nook and cranny..

I've heard it countless times.. how can you love someone else when you don't love yourself? In a way it makes sense.. how can I feel comfortable with someone else when I don't even feel comfortable in my own body.. but then again it's so easy to love someone who's everything you don't think you are... right? I don't know.. I'm trying to love myself.. but I'm not exactly sure how because I'm not exactly sure how that feels.. I'm confident.. independent.. I don't really care what other people think about me(atleast not all the time).. I don't hate myself(atleast not all the time).

Maybe it's one of those things that you know it when it happens to you..

Check out Be Yourself by Audioslave...

"And even when you've paid enough, been pulled apart or been held up

With every single memory of the good or bad faces of luck

don't lose any sleep tonight

I'm sure everything will end up alright"