Make your next move...uhhh....

And so my life is as follows:

with $20 left in my bank account

an orphaned dog here and then gone

2 boxes of Kraft Mac and Cheese left in my food cupboard

a brand spankin new library card

only 4 shirts, a pair of jeans, a couple scarves and 2 pairs of underwear not yet thrown in the dirty laundry basket

one light bulb burnt out in my two light bulb room

incessant rain

one squirt of face wash left

one old razor

4 pairs of shoes soaked through

only one pair of socks (not even matching)

a box of kleenex instead of toilet paper

3 bottles of nail polish, black, purple and red respectively

a down comforter, a quilt, and two blankets in replacement for the heater

a lease that ends in two weeks and no replacement home to be found

25 job applications

0 interviews

I find myself weighing my options.

Unfortunately none of the outcomes are ideal.

What now?

I dream of selling the rest of my things

spending the money on a one way greyhound ticket to anywhere else

leaving this world behind

and finding a new one

maybe i'd find a new me along the way

I'd say it's about time for a makeover.

These Days

On days like these.. the ones where the rain just falls and falls, each little drop diving from its mother cloud to pound incessantly on my tin roof. The irregular drum beats of the heavy rain overspilling it's gutters and landing with such finality, seeping into the already soaking black brown earth. Days like this hollow out a girl.

Sometimes on days like this nothing can pull me out of the blissful escape of my bed except an ooey gooey caramel brownie blizzard. Days like this.. I lay huddled in my christmas pajamas..the ones that remind me of happier times, and read chapter after chapter of my latest read. Losing myself, my problems, my worries in another person's life. It feels like if I focus hard enough..forget enough, maybe I can enter their world and not have to come back.

Days like this..I lie curled..listening as the world spins around me. Busy people, busy lives. But these days..that world doesn't pull me like it used to. It's exhausting. Draining me dry. I need some recovery..respite only solitary confinement offers. I feel too small to take on anything. Everything threatens to swallow me whole..

On days like these..its safer to stay inside.

The Hero Dies In This One

"I thought I knew you, but I guess it's easier to see what we want, than to look for the truth. You think you know me, but you don't know me and that means you don't know what I can do. You see me as someone who has all the answers, that's not true. I may not always know what I'm doing, but I'll try to make things better, and when I make a mistake, because face it we all do, I promise I'll ask for help. I can't do this alone, but if you'll take a chance on me we can do great things together. I promise if you believe in me we'll find the courage to reach for your every dream. John F. Kennedy said the courage of life is the magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures, and that is the basis of all morality."

-Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill